


The Day The Music Died

by Pixelatrix



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Boot Camp, Dirty Talk, Drama, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Slight Straying from Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-04
Updated: 2014-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-03 11:44:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 36,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1070076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixelatrix/pseuds/Pixelatrix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Irina Petya Shepard had no intentions of ever joining the Alliance.  She had her life as a ballet dancer all planned out.  She was getting off of Mindoir and going places that her parents had never dreamed that she could go.   And then the raid happened, and her dreams started to slip through her fingers one by one.</p><p>“It never hurts to try.” He smiled at her.</p><p>“Sometimes, Admiral, sometimes it hurts very much when you try.” Irina met his gaze without flinching.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story starts before ME1 and will hopefully go beyond ME3. The Hackett/Shepard romance will happen later in the story. So bear with me. The more explicit parts will also likely come a few chapters or so into the story.
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Face references:  
> Irina: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/67469753830/kloss-karlie-karlies-couture-for-interview
> 
> Philip: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/68992321237/lovingmalemodels-cyril-giustiniani

_Grounded_.

Irina’s parents had been _very_ angry when they found out that she’d skipped her gym class.  She couldn’t help it.  Aside from voice, piano, guitar and language lessons, choir was about the only other thing that she enjoyed about school.  It was just gym.  She got plenty of exercise in her ballet classes.

_They’d grounded her for a month._

It was rare that Irina got into trouble.  She generally hated disappointing her parents.  It was the first time that she’d been punished in a year or two.  She’d been trying to be especially good since they’d finally agreed to let her enroll early at the Berklee College of Music.  In six months, she’d be on her way to Boston.

_On Earth._

_Earth._

She flipped through the catalogue that the college had sent to her.  Irina had never been to Earth before.  She considered what courses that she wanted to take her first year. French would be a must, one of these days she was going to speak more fluently than Philip just to annoy him.

_Oh damn._

Jodie had asked to borrow her notes from French. _Damn, damn, damn._  They had a test coming up in the morning and Jodie needed those notes _now._  She couldn’t disappoint her best friend like that.

Standing in the center of her room, Irina pirouetted on her toes while she thought it over.  She was already in trouble. _What was the worst that her parents would do?_  Decision made, she clambered easily out of her bedroom window.

Ten minutes later, Irina retraced her steps across one of their fields back towards home.  An explosion closer to the center of town caught her attention.  It was followed by another series of booms.

She watched the flames and smoke in the distance with fascinated horror until a gut-wrenching scream echoed from the direction of _her_ home.  It broke her out of her frozen reverie.  She heard gun-shots and ran towards the farmhouse.

An arm wrapped tightly around her waist and a hand clamped around her mouth to stop the scream that started to bubble up inside of her.  She stopped struggling when she looked up in the moonlight to find a familiar face. “Philip?”

“Hush.” His beard scratched the side of her face as he leaned in close to speak softly. “Do you want them to hear you?”

“My parents.” She resisted when he tried to lead her away from her farm.

Philip lifted her up when she wouldn’t walk. “I’ll go back for them, Pet.”

She glared at the use of her nickname.  Her grandmother was the only one who usually called her ‘Pet,’ a shortened form of her middle name, Petya.  She’d been named for her father’s mother, Irina Petya Shepard.

It took her a while to realize that they’d reached _his_ farm.  It was the most secluded of those in the colony.  He avoided the cabin that he used for his home.  He carried her all the way to the thick woods that grew around his fields.

“Philip?” She shivered a little in the night air. “What’s happening?”

“Slavers.”

“Oh god.” Irina started to walk away but he grabbed her firmly by the arm again. “But they’ll…”

“I know.” He ran a hand through his short black hair. “I need you to stay here.  I’m going back to find your parents.  To see if I can save anyone else.  _Do_ not move. Do you understand? You’re a beautiful young woman, they won’t kill you and you’ll wish that they had.”

“Philip.”

“Please, stay.” He pulled his jacket off to drape around her shoulders. “I’ll come back for you.”

She couldn’t refuse the look in his dark eyes. “Ok.”

He pressed a pistol into her hand and then disappeared into the night.  She moved back further into the darkness of the forest.  Philip wasn’t actually a farmer.  He did research on plants in his cabin.  He’d served under her father in the Alliance but only stayed in for a few years.  He wasn’t fond of battle.  He preferred science to war.

 _Georges Philip Durand_.

She’d written out his name on so many pieces of paper that she’d be mortified if he ever found out.  He was ten years older than her.  Sometimes she wrote her own name out next to it.  He’d never know that she always dedicated her performances to him…at least in her mind.  She shook her head to get herself to stop thinking about _him_. 

_Way to focus on the important things, Irina._

Philip never came back for her though.  She stayed in the woods for hours and listened to the screams.  She had perfect pitch and the sounds grated against her ears until she thought they were going to bleed.  When the Alliance patrol found her, she was at the foot of a tree, rocking back and forth with her hands pressed to her ears.

They took her to Arcturus where she was placed in a foster home. At seventeen, they wouldn’t allow her to live on her own.  Since she’d earned a scholarship to Berklee, she would be sent to Boston for orientation in a few months. 

Irina hated it on Arcturus. She hated the way that everyone seemed to whisper around her.  They talked about Mindoir in hushed tones when they thought she couldn’t hear.  Everyone was gone, dead or worse.  With Batarian slavers, there was always something _worse_ than death.

“Irina.”

She glanced up to find her _foster_ mother, Mrs. Chua standing in the doorway of her bedroom. “Yes?”

“There’s someone here to see you. Could you come out please?” She turned around and headed back towards the living room.

“Great,” Irina sighed.

She walked into the living room to find an Alliance officer talking with her foster father.  She wasn’t all that familiar with ranks but she thought he might be a Captain or maybe an Admiral.   He looked like a nice man, maybe in his late thirties. 

“Irina, this is Admiral Steven Hackett.  He’s here to talk to you about your plans.” Mr. Chua explained before he stepped out of the room to leave her alone with the Captain.

“It’s nice to meet you.” He held out his hand towards her but she stared at it then back up into his blue eyes.   She generally avoided touching since she left Mindoir. 

“Why do you want to talk about my plans?” Irina asked suspiciously.

“The Alliance is very interested in young people like yourself who show such promise.” Hackett didn’t seem bothered by her refusal to shake his hand.

“I’m going to music school.” She gave him a tired smile that probably didn’t like much like a smile.  “I have _no_ interest in being a soldier.  I’ve heard enough gunfire to last me a lifetime.”

“Understandable.”

“And it’s not like the Alliance is doing a _thing_ to stop the Batarians from raiding our homes.” Irina clenched her fists and told herself not to crying. Crying and shouting were dangerous for her voice.  She couldn’t risk losing it.  Boston was her chance to stay away from the Alliance. “I am thankful to the marines who saved me, Admiral.  But I lost everyone and everything that night, and I have no interest in ever being the cause of that kind of suffering.”

“The Alliance doesn’t destroy colonies and massacre the residents,” Hackett protested.

“No, but it doesn’t stop it either.” Irina ran a shaking hand through her short black hair.  She’d cropped it herself in the mirror a few days before.  It was jagged, sort of like her heart.  “Please leave me alone.”

“I’m so sorry for your loss.  If you’d permit me, I’ll escort you to Boston.  I’ve command of a ship at the moment that’s scheduled to head to Earth around the time that your orientation is.” The twinkle in his eyes told her that he planned on trying to change her mind.

“Do I have a choice?”

“There’s always a choice.” Hackett reached out to a touch a finger to her hand.  She flinched when it came close and he pulled back. “I only thought that you’d prefer not to have to deal with a public transport from here to Boston.”

“Why are you even interested in me?” Irina had seen enough of people in her life to continue to feel suspicious.

“Your father and I trained together. We were…assigned to the same post.  We fought in the First Contact War together.” Hackett reached into his pocket to pull out what looked like a medal.  “It’s a medal of honor.  It’s your father’s.  He left it with me when he was discharged after the war.  He earned it saving the lives of half of his unit.”

She let him place the medal in her palm. “He never talked about the Alliance.”

Hackett squeezed her hand gently. “I’m sorry that no one was there to stop the raid.  I’d like to help you in any way that I can, even if you aren’t interested in joining the Alliance.”

“Thank you.” She frowned down at the medal before shoving it into the pocket of her leather jacket. She decided to tell him the truth. “I won’t change my mind.  Music and dance are all that I have left in life.”

“It never hurts to try.” He smiled at her.

“Sometimes, Admiral, sometimes it hurts very much when you try.” Irina met his gaze without flinching. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Anna Deacon_

_To: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_Subj: Irina Shepard_

_Admiral,_

_Our records indicate that you are listed as the point of contact for one of our freshman students, Irina Shepard._

_This message is to inform you that she is currently on academic probation. She has begun to refuse to attend classes.  The guidance counselors can’t seem to get through to her._

_She is currently under observation at the Boston Medical Center.  Her voice teacher discovered that she’s been trying to ruin her voice by screaming.  She’s spent hours and hours straining her vocal cords on purpose._

_The doctor’s believe that she may have done permanent damage to them._

_We are not clear on what further help that we can be.  Perhaps you could try to speak with her?_

_Sincerely,_

_Anna Deacon_

_Dean of Students_

In the six hours that it took Hackett to get to Boston, he’d had vid-comm conferences with the doctor and the dean of students.  It seemed that Irina had been doing fine up until her first solo performance.  It had been an audition for an upcoming student production.  She’d been unable to perform.

_Unable to sing._

_Unable to speak._

She had seemed frozen for five minutes or more.  The professor in charge of the audition rushed on stage to make sure that she was alright but Irina had bolted from the stage.  One of the school counselors tracked her down to her dorm room.

The college had given her a few months of settling in time in consideration for what she’d been through on Mindoir.  They couldn’t do that indefinitely. If Irina didn’t want to study, there wasn’t much point of her remaining enrolled at Berklee.  Of course, if she’d managed to permanently injure her throat, it would be a moot point.

_If._

Hackett wasn’t particularly fond of ‘ifs’ when they came from doctors.  He preferred concrete answers of the clear and concise variety.  It was probably why he’d never been fond of doctors or politicians.

There was always dance but according to the dean, Irina had missed all of her classes, including the ballet ones.  The professors had reached the point where they felt there were students actually interested in learning to focus on.   She was wasting their time.  He had glared the dean into silence at that particular statement.

He spoke briefly with the doctors in person.  They led him down the hallway towards the private room that they had moved her to.   He wondered if now he’d be able to convince her to join the Alliance.  He was convinced that she’d make a talented officer.

“Irina.”

A pair of pale blue eyes looked up at him from under a curtain of black hair.  She’d added white highlights to it since he last saw her.  She’d also lost a considerable amount of weight and she hadn’t really had that much to lose.

“Why are you here?” Her voice sounded like she’d been eating broken glass and drinking acid for days.

“Should you be talking?” Hackett asked worriedly.

“No.”

“Then maybe you should stick with the vid-screen.” He pointed to the large datapad next to the hospital bed that the doctors had been using to communicate with her.

“Answer my question,” she insisted.

“I’m the point of contact for the school and you.  Technically speaking, you’re a _ward_ of the Alliance.” Hackett didn’t know how she’d react to knowing that _he_ was her guardian for the next week until she turned eighteen. “Why are you trying to ruin your voice?”

She tried to say something else but he could tell that her voice wouldn’t work.  She grabbed the pad and furiously typed out a message to him. ‘Why you? Why not the Chua’s?’

“Consider me your guardian for the next few weeks.” Hackett held up a hand to stop her from writing another message to him. “Do you want to stay here at the college?”

Irina shrugged in response.  She tapped her fingers for a moment before finally shaking her head. _No._ From the drooping shoulders, Hackett got the feeling that she’d given up…on it, on her dreams. 

As someone who’d focused almost his entire life on one ambition, Hackett could respect her focus and drive.  He also appreciated how utterly devastating it must be to not achieve it.  He thought perhaps her heart simply wasn’t in the music anymore.  It might hurt more to dance and sing than not to.

“And what are your plans then?”

Her eyes narrowed on him as she fiddled with the datapad.  She spun it around so he could see it. ‘I’m not joining the Alliance so you can _leave_.’

“I can’t do that.  Do you have the money to pay for the hospital stay?” Hackett pulled up a chair to sit next to her bed. “Where are you going to stay? You need an education if you’re going to find a job.”

Irina threw the datapad at him. He caught it before it smacked him in the head. “I’ll sleep on the street.”

“Like hell you will.”  Hackett wouldn’t let the beautiful young woman throw her life away because she was angry at the world. He handed the pad back to her. “Is this what your parents would want for you? No voice, no life, nothing?”

“No.” She started to say more but her voice gave out again.  She winced in pain that was strong enough that it brought tears to her eyes. She disregarded them to finish her thought in written form ‘They’re dead. They don’t _want_ anything for me now. And you’re a complete asshole for trying to use them to guilt me into doing what you want.’

“Irina.”

‘What will it take to make you leave me alone?’

He smiled at the annoyed glare that went along with the words. “You agreeing to join the Alliance, or at least thinking about it seriously.”

Ivy twisted around to pointedly avoid looking at him any further. Hackett rubbed his forehead with a sigh of pure exasperation.  He knew from her father that she was a damn good shot.  He had seen her test scores from high school. The Alliance needed brilliant minds, and she had one.  He wasn’t sure how far he could push her down that road.

“Give me a week to change your mind. If you still say no at the end of seven days, I’ll stop harassing you about it.” Hackett reached out to tug lightly on the sleeve of her dark brown sweater.

Irina turned tired blue eyes towards him. “And at the end of the week? I’ll still have nowhere to go and no one but you offering to help me.”

“Irina.”

‘Was I not supposed to state the obvious?’ She typed out her response to his tone of rebuke and held it out to him to read.  She pulled it back to add more. ‘You have a week.’

 “Good. I…”

She moved her fingers rapidly over the datapad and he paused mid-sentence to wait to see what she had to say. ‘Were there any other survivors on Mindoir?’

“A few.” He frowned at the sudden switch in conversation. “Was there someone in particular that you were looking for?”

‘Philip Durand.’ 

“He wasn’t on the list.” Hackett had gone through the incredibly short list of people that the Alliance had managed to find or rescue from the slavers. “Was he a close friend?”

“He…” Her throat closed up on her as Irina attempted to answer him.  She seemed completely frustrated at her inability to speak. She angrily tossed the datapad at him again.  She rolled over on her side.  She pulled the blanket over her head when he attempted to speak with her again.

_Conversation apparently over. _

He didn’t think it would help her to point out that she’d done the damage to her voice to herself.  He decided it might be best to let her stay in the hospital for a day or two to make sure the loss wasn’t permanent. He had no damn idea how he was going to convince her to join the Alliance.

Hackett remembered another young person who had lost everyone and had nowhere to go.  The Alliance had given him everything that he needed.  They’d picked up the pieces for him and given him a direction.  He wanted it to be the same for Irina.  He’d seen to many people get lost in their own heads or in the darker recesses of Earth.

“Admiral?”

He hesitated at the door to look over at her expectantly. “Yes?”

“Why…” Her voice was excruciatingly raspy.  She held her hand out for the datapad with an air of pure frustration.  ‘Why are you doing this?’

He pulled the pad from her fingers only to then take both of her hands in his own. “Someone, a very long time ago, kept me…let’s just say that I am paying a kindness forward.  You aren’t obligated to accept or understand it.  And I don’t expect anything from you in return either way.”

She pursed her lips as she searched his face.  It took her a several minutes to get the next sentence out. “I’ll think about it.  _Thank you._ ”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Avoiding the Admiral had become Irina’s mission in life.  Hackett had taken Irina to the Alliance headquarters in Vancouver and then to Arcturus.  She thought he might be trying to show her what the Alliance had to offer.  She already knew from personal experience what it offered.

_Death._

She refused to leave the guest room in his apartment until he left for his office in the morning.  She spent hours on the extra-net.  Desperate to find an option other than the one that Hackett was offering, she also spent time looking for other survivors.

It had become an obsession.  She finally found a page on the extra-net dedicated to Mindoir.  It contained a list of survivors, dead and missing.  The name on the contact page caught her attention – Philip Durand.

The title of the project also drew her eye. _My Pet Project._ She had thought it a coincidence. If it really was Philip, he’d named it for her.  Her fingers hesitated over the _send_ button.

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Philip Durand_

_Subj: Comment on Your Pet Project._

_Is it really you?_

_You never came back for me._

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Philip Durand_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: Yes._

_I went looking for you, Pet._

_The Alliance had already rescued you, so I decided to stay to try and salvage what was left of the colony._

_Where are you? Did you go to Boston to that college?_

_Philip_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Philip Durand_

_Subj: re: Yes._

_I can’t sing anymore._

_I’m on Arcturus. Admiral Hackett wants me to join the Alliance._

_Where are you? Can I come stay with you?_

_I’m…I miss everyone._

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Philip Durand_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Yes._

_Oh, Pet._

_No. I’m sorry but an eighteen year old woman staying with a twenty-eight year old.  It’s a terrible idea.  And I’m not really set up for it._

_Why can’t you sing?_

_Admiral Hackett? I sent a message to him the other day to see if he knew where you were.  I thought you were still in Boston._

_Philip_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Philip Durand_

_Subj: Singing._

_What does it matter?_

_It doesn’t really matter anymore if I sing or dance.  They’ll never be in the audience to see me.  I couldn’t do it.  So I made sure that I can’t sing again._

_Good luck with your project._

_Irina_

* * *

Philip sent several other messages but Irina didn’t bother to respond.  His ‘no’ felt like the dashing of all the remnants of her hopes.  She pushed away from the terminal in disgust.  She had too many negatives in her life at the moment.

_No family._

_No voice._

_No friends._

_No credits._

_No future._

She went straight to the recruitment office to sign up.  Since her birthday, there was no need for a guardian’s signature.  The recruiter told her that the transport would leave for New York in three days. 

Hackett had given her a credit chit to shop if she wanted.  She used it to purchase jeans, t-shirts and a new backpack.  She got a few other necessities that she’d need.  She was back, hiding in the guest room when he arrived later that evening. 

He knocked on the door to invite her to dinner which she ignored.  He left a plate outside on the floor which she grabbed once he’d gone to bed.  It continued like that until the day that it was time for her to leave.  She hadn’t bothered to tell him that she had signed up. _The blasted Admiral_ could find out himself. 

* * *

Irina was pacing in by the docking bay waiting for the airlock to open when Hackett caught up to her.  He grabbed her by the arm to drag her out of hearing range. He’d been a little frantic when he realized that she wasn’t in her room.

“What the _hell_ are you doing?” Hackett glanced down at the fatigues that she wore in confusion.

“I enlisted,” Irina shrugged. “Why didn’t you tell me that Philip Durand was alive?”

“I found out the day after I went to see you in the hospital in Boston.” Hackett raised an eyebrow at her. “I was focused on making sure that _you_ were ok.”

“You manipulative bastard.” Irina’s voice cracked on the last word.  She brought trembling fingers up to carefully massage her throat. “I won’t forget this. You should’ve told me that he was alive.”

“Irina.” Hackett reminded himself that she was young, hurting and emotionally distraught.  She would understand better when she could think more clearly.

“It’s too late for me to change it now.” She spoke so quietly that he had to move closer to hear her. “You _leave_ me alone, _Admiral._ I joined the damn Alliance, you got what you wanted and now I want something. I want you to stay away from me.”

“You don’t understand.” Hackett didn’t get a chance to explain.  She slid out of his grasp and ran towards the now open airlock before he could stop her.  “Damn it.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

“Talk to her, Steven.” Major Greg Holt gestured across the room towards a young recruit with short black hair that had been dyed partially white at the front.

“What the hell do you expect me to do?” Hackett watched the recruit class pick up their food and take their seats across the mess. “Irina _refuses_ to acknowledge that I exist.”

“She’s not even trying and she still manages to pass every obstacle that we throw at her.  You’ve got to talk some sense into her.  She has potential, I hate to see her waste it.” Holt tossed his tray aside. “I owe it to Jodie to make sure that she succeeds.”

Hackett watched as Irina made her way towards a table in the far end of the mess.  A couple of the other recruits seemed to be harassing her when the largest of the group stepped between her and the two other men.  She followed him over to the table.  They were joined shortly after by three other recruits.

“Jodie?” Hackett tuned back in to what the Major was telling him.  “Wasn’t that your daughter?”

“My wife…when she died, I didn’t have…my sister took my little girl to live with her and her husband.” The Major’s jaw clenched as he stared over at the cadets. “They were on Mindoir.”

Hackett reached over to rest his hand on the man’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Holt shook his hand off and pointed once more to the black and white haired recruit. “Help her.”

* * *

_From: Major Holt_

_To: Philip Durand_

_Subj: re: Irina._

_I meant to follow up with to your message earlier.  Hackett’s trying to talk some sense into her.  If he fails, maybe you could come to visit during their week off that they get at the end of the month?_

_How’s the research on Elysium going?_

_Greg_

* * *

He was moving on to other messages in his inbox when a shadow passing by his office window caught the Major’s attention.  He looked up just in time to see Admiral Hackett storming across the yard to the landing pad.  He paused to peer over his shoulder once before getting into the shuttle.  The conversation with Shepard must not have gone well.

_Plan B then._

“Major Holt, Sir?”

“Cadet Kalena.” Holt acknowledged the salute that he received from the gentle Hawaiian giant in front of him.  Koa Kalena stood at least half a foot taller than Holt and had several pounds of mostly muscle on the Major.  He’d taken a liking to the practically delicate Irina and looked out for her.  “Is there something you need?”

“It’s Iri…Cadet Shepard, Sir.” Koa motioned towards the obstacle course that they could just make out in the distance. “She’s hiding…I don’t know how to…maybe you could try talking to her?  She was yelling at the Admiral earlier.”

Holt could sympathize with Kalena’s frustration.  He dismissed the recruit with a promise to check in on his friend.  Someone had to help the poor girl or she would likely completely self-destruct.   He’d hoped that Hackett would be the answer to that but he’d obviously been wrong.

It was thirty minutes before he finally found Irina in the forest section of the course.  She sat with her back to a tree.  Her legs pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her knees.  She tilted her head towards him as he joined her on the ground.  He waved off her salute.

“What happened to your voice?” Holt hadn’t gotten a real answer from Hackett when he’d asked her.  He attended a concert once when he was visiting his daughter on Mindoir.  Irina’s voice had been hauntingly beautiful.  Even when she spoke, it had a lilt to it.  And now it sounded…ruined.

“I…” She rested her chin on her arm.  He noticed that her fists had clenched tightly. “I screamed until I tore my vocal cords, until they bled.  They’ve healed now but the scar tissue caused permanent damage.”

“Why?” He remembered the joy in her face when she’d performed. 

“There was no one left to sing to,” she said matter-of-factly.

“My sister lived on Mindoir with her husband and my daughter.” Holt tried to keep his tone as casual as possible. 

“Jodie.” Irina broke the silence that followed his revelation. “I thought you looked familiar.  You visited a few times, and she kept a picture of you by her bed.  She…was proud of you, Sir.”

I heard you sing once, a long time ago.” Holt reached out to take one of her trembling hands in his own.

“I…I was at her house that night.  She’d been down with the flu and missed classes for a few days.  I snuck out to take her my notes.  The slavers came while I was walking through the fields to get home.” Her voice was barely audible. “Sometimes I wish…”

Holt knew how that sentence ended.  He’d felt the same after his wife passed away and then his daughter.  He didn’t understand why no one had bothered to help Irina with what was obviously PTSD and survivor’s guilt.  He made a mental note to bring in a grief counselor for her.

For the moment, he let her pour her heart out without interrupting.  When she’d finished, he suggested that perhaps she might channel her grief and pain into ensuring that future colonies were safe from attack.  The Alliance was working towards that goal.  With her personal experience, she might be able to further their mission.

“But…”

“I don’t know why you joined up.  But you’re here, you might do more good than you could ever imagine.” He released her hand and smiled at her. “Don’t let your anger at Hackett ruin your chances of a career.”

“He lied to me.” Irina sounded slightly petulant about it. 

He had a feeling that she’d latched on to Hackett as someone that she could actively blame for everything that had happened.  Time would help with that.  He decided to deflect the conversation by mentioning that he’d heard from Philip.  She perked up at his name.  He promised that the man would visit during their time off.

Irina had promised him that she’d consider what he’d said.  He didn’t expect any miracles but at the very least, he could try to help her.  Jodie might be beyond him, but her best friend was still alive and hurting.  If he made a difference for her friend, maybe the pain in his own heart would ease a little.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Holt: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69387015497
> 
> Irina's friends:  
> Koa Kalena: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69227599108/ladychubbies-jason-mamoa
> 
> Tamara Ridley: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69228991931/laura-fraser-photographed-by-angelo-kritikos
> 
> Brodie Hawkins: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/67506231288/handsomemales-david-filipiak-by-scott-hoover
> 
> Corrina Warrick: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/67505988330


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise, this does EVENTUALLY end up being a Shepard/Hackett story. It's not a triangle at all. It's just going to take a bit of a journey to get Irina there lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

The day before graduation, Irina sat around a bonfire with Koa, Brodie, Corrina and Tamara.  They were celebrating with a bottle of Pinot and a bag of gourmet brownies that Brodie had gotten his older brother to smuggle in for them.  His brother worked in the requisitions office at the base.

_It was incredibly convenient._

Their recruit class had been split down the middle since day two in the mud.  Mostly because of Irina, she wasn’t enough of a ‘grunt’for the cadets who _claimed_ to bleed Alliance blue.  They were the jackasses who insisted that their parents’ parents had been _military_ to the core.

Irina didn’t bother to point out that her father had been in the Alliance and a decorated war hero.  She didn’t owe them any sort of explanation.  Major Holt had tried to help smooth things out for the sake of the instructors who were beyond aggravated at the tension in the group.  Mostly though, she kept her head down and ignored the jerks.

It never seemed to dissuade their attempts to harass her.  Koa had started to intervene on her behalf.  The gentle giant had brought his best friend, Brodie Hawkins along for the ride. Tamara Ridley and Corrina Warrick were outcasts as well, though for much different reasons.  They’d stopped one of the hazing attempts and been fast friends with Irina ever since.

She would never _love_ being a marine, but she respected what they were doing.  She’d taken Holt’s advice to heart and applied herself.  She planned to focus on becoming a field medic and comm technician.  

After graduation, she’d immediately hop on a transport to Hartford to attempt to squash a four year engineering degree with a minor in medicine into two years.  The Alliance offered a lot of paths that she hadn’t realized when she’d signed up.  Even if she left after her initial six year stint, she’d be set up for a career afterwards.

“Private Shepard.”

Irina hid her cup in front of the crate that she’d been sitting on.  She nudged Koa with her hip and then walked over to see what Lieutenant Henderson wanted. “Ma’am?”

“Major Holt wants to see you in his office.” The Lieutenant delivered her message and headed back the way that she’d come.

“Sorry guys.” Irina ruffled Brodie’s hair, took one last swig of wine and then jogged across the base.  It took her ten minutes to get to the Major’s office.  She was slightly out of breath when she got there. It made her voice raspier than normal. “You wanted to see me, Sir?”

“Is there a reason that a jog across the base has you out of breath?” Holt peered closely at her. “Been celebrating? Take a seat before you pass out, Shepard.  The Admiral wanted to speak with you before your graduation in the morning.”

“Admiral?” She shot up out of the chair to glance around the room.  She finally spotted Hackett leaning against the wall behind her.  Her salute was flawless but the tone in her voice was _icy_ at best. “ _Admiral Hackett.”_

“Could you give us the room, Major?” Hackett made his request sound like an order.

Holt hesitated before nodding sharply at the Admiral.  He paused to squeeze Irina’s shoulder encouragingly.  She watched as the two men seemed to clash silently.  The Major finally walked out of his office, closing the door harder than necessary. She wondered if they’d argued about this little meeting.

“Sir?” Irina wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

She wasn’t sure how long she could hold on to her feigned deference.  As a private, she owed _Admiral Hackett_ a certain amount of respect. The trouble was that every time she saw the man…all she could think of was Mindoir. 

The Alliance had _failed_ her colony.  And she still felt like he’d manipulated her into joining up.  She hid her clenched fists behind her back as she stood at parade rest.  He shook his head with a sigh as he observed her in silence.

“Did you _need_ something, Admiral?” Irina felt like a fish in a fishbowl.

“How are you doing?” Hackett’s question took her by surprise. “Major Holt tells me that you’ve done well.  I knew you could.”

“How _am_ I?” She repeated the question with a confused frown. “I’m fine, _Sir._ Do you intend to interview the rest of cadets? _”_

“No.”

“Then if you don’t mind, _Sir._ I’d prefer to get back to the barracks.” Irina didn’t want to disappoint Major Holt by disrespecting a superior officer.  The counseling had helped her with grief but Hackett made all the irrational anger come rushing back.  She just wanted to lash out at someone…at him. “I…”

“Irina.”

“I can’t do this.” Irina saluted him before rushing from the room. 

She’d rather be reprimanded for leaving without being dismissed than a more serious offense like assaulting an officer.  Maybe it wasn’t fair that she blamed Hackett.  Her grief counselor seemed to think so.  It was the only thing that they’d disagreed about.  She’d learned to simply avoid talking about the Admiral.

“Private Shepard.” Hackett’s voice was sharp and she froze just outside Holt’s office.

She turned around and stood at attention.  Her gaze focused on the base of his neck so she didn’t have to meet his eyes. She heard Holt stepping into the outer office to join them.  He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

“At ease, Private.” The Major moved between her and Hackett. “Is there a problem, Admiral?”

“Nothing new, I’m afraid.” Hackett sounded…bereft.  “You’re dismissed, Private. Enjoy your graduation in the morning.”

Irina offered them both a salute.  She didn’t understand the sadness that seemed to simmer in the Admiral’s eyes.  She glanced over at Major Holt to wait for his dismissal.  He nodded and she bolted from the room as quickly as her boots would take her.

No longer in the mood to celebrate, Irina made her way across the base to the barracks.  She realized it was a mistake when she found the recruits who’d been making her life a living hell lately.  She tried to retrace her steps before they could get to her but wasn’t fast enough.

She was being shoved into one of the shower stalls in the back of the barracks when voice yelled ‘attention.’  It echoed through the building.  She was dropped on the ground as the three jackasses moved swiftly away from her.  Her knee banged against the tile floor painfully.

Pushing herself up off of the ground, Irina winced as she forced her body to move. She glanced up to find a _furious_ Hackett storming towards them.  Major Holt was behind him as were the rest of her recruit class. Koa gave her a concerned look.

“Get Private Shepard to the Med Bay, _Now._ ” Hackett ordered sharply as he advanced on cowards. “I’ll deal with these maggots _personally_.”

“Yes, Sir.” Koa rushed over with Brodie. 

Irina swatted their hands away.  She could walk, damn it.  She refused to show any sign of weakness in front of Hackett.  With a salute, she limped through the gathered group and out of the barracks.  Her knee gave out just outside the door.

“Easy there, muli.” Koa got his arm around her back and lifted her up.  He’d told her once that muli meant little sister.  He’d mussed up her hair and laughed when she’d immediately swung at him.  They’d been fast friends ever since.  “What’s your problem with Hackett?  The man was trying to help you.”

“I _don’t_ want to talk about Hackett.” Irina winced when her throat started to close up.

It had never really healed perfectly.  The Alliance docs had told her that she had permanent scar tissue.  Her voice was always going to be messed up.  She fell silent to avoid stressing it further.  Koa wisely decided to let the matter rest.

With pain meds, Irina was right as rain the following morning.  Holt pulled her aside to let her know that as punishment for _hazing_ a fellow recruit.  The group involved was being held back from graduating.  They’d be forced to go through boot camp all over again.  It seemed fitting retribution.  The instructors weren’t likely to deal kindly with any of them.

The rest of the day went by quickly for her.  With no family to attend her graduation, Irina had assumed that the seats reserved for her guests would be empty.  She was surprised when Hackett took a seat there along with the foster parents that had looked after her immediately after Mindoir.  She ignored the Admiral, waved at the Chua’s and froze when she spotted the dark haired man beside them.

_Philip._

She almost missed the cue for her to step forward.  Holt raised an eyebrow at her and she had to force herself not to grin like an idiot at Philip.  The Major pinned on her new rank, offered her congratulations and acknowledged her salute with one of her own.  He winked at her before moving on to the next cadet in line.

Irina could barely contain herself until the end of the ceremony.  She all but ploughed through several groups of people to get to the tall, dark haired familiar figure that she had only seen once since leaving Mindoir.  Ignoring regs and decorum, she threw herself into his arms.

He chuckled at her as he set her back down on her feet. “I’m not entirely sure a Corporal should do that, Pet.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Come meet my friends.”

“The Admiral…”

“I’m not interested. It’s my day, he can…” Irina reined in her angry words as the man in question moved closer. She snapped to attention and saluted him. “Admiral.”

He seemed to deflate slightly. “Congratulations, Shepard.  I’m heading back to Fifth Fleet. I…You did your father proud.”

She frowned at the retreating Admiral’s back for a moment.  She didn’t have long to think about him.  Strong arms wrapped around her to swing her up into the air.  She was deposited on the ground in front of three equally large men who could only be Koa’s brothers.

“You have clearly cloned yourself.” Irina dodged the large hand that threatened to ruin her carefully brushed hair. “Are they at least smarter than you? They’ve clearly got you beat on looks.”

Koa grabbed her by the shoulder and started to drag her away. “Don’t give them any ideas.  I already spend too much time trying to keep Brodie away from you.”

“About that…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major Holt: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69387015497
> 
> Irina's friends:  
> Koa Kalena: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69227599108/ladychubbies-jason-mamoa
> 
> Tamara Ridley: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69228991931/laura-fraser-photographed-by-angelo-kritikos
> 
> Brodie Hawkins: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69592888037/lovingmalemodels-david-filipiak
> 
> Corrina Warrick: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/67505988330


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise, this does EVENTUALLY end up being a Shepard/Hackett story. It's not a triangle at all. It's just going to take a bit of a journey to get Irina there lol. And there will be smut, eventually lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Irina stood in the middle of the quad watching two marines attempt to pummel each other on the ground.  She’d been on her way from one class to the next when Brodie had _surprised_ her.  They had in turn been surprised in her dorm an hour later by Koa and Tamara who’d come to visit as well.

That would’ve been fine if Brodie hadn’t been naked and in the process of getting Irina just as naked.  Koa had grabbed Brodie by the back of the neck and dragged him out of the room.  She’d paused to _dress_ and grab her backpack. The men were now rolling around on the grass with the two girls watching highly amused.

“Should we stop them?” Irina glanced over at Tamara.

“Hell no.” Tamara shook her head and looped her arm around Irina’s to pull her back a little.

“Why exactly is your boyfriend beating up mine?” Irina noticed that the two were starting to draw a bit of an audience.  Brodie was going to be in a world of trouble since he was still sans clothing.

“Well…”

“Shit.” Irina spotted the two uniformed military police making their away towards them. It was the familiar man behind them that really made her heart sink. 

_Admiral Hackett._

The two men were dragged away from each other.  Hackett frowned first at the fighters and then over at Irina who pointedly refused to do anything but stand at parade rest.  He sent Brodie and Koa to the brig to cool their heels a bit. Tamara went off to find clothes for Brodie which left Irina with the annoyed Admiral.

_Just great._

“What the hell was that about?” Hackett asked once the crowd had dispersed.

“Since I wasn’t the one fighting, I’m afraid that I can’t answer that question, _Sir._ ”  Irina glanced down at her omni-tool. “If you don’t mind, I’m late for class.”

“Irina.”

“Admiral?” She resisted the urge to shift nervously.  She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.  “Was there something that you needed?”

“I’d like to have lunch with you.” Hackett moved closer until he was in her line of sight which forced her to finally look directly at him.

“Is that an order, Sir?”

“No.”

“I’m afraid that I’m going to have to decline.  I have class.  Am I dismissed?” Irina always opted for overly formal when dealing with the Admiral.  It lessened the risk of her saying something that could get her in trouble. “I’m already late as it is.”

“Are you involved with Corporal Hawkins?” Hackett asked.

“That’s not really…” She stopped herself from completing the sentence since technically sleeping with Brodie was against the regs and that would make it Hackett’s business. “Yes, Sir.”

“Are you aware that the Corporal went to a charity ball on Arcturus last week with another woman?” Hackett’s face was unreadable as was his tone of voice.

“I was not. Though it does explain Koa’s…” She bit off her sentence. She wasn’t getting drawn into polite conversation with _Admiral Hackett._ “Can I go, Sir?”

“Is it always going to be like this?” Hackett didn’t have to explain what he meant. “It would mean a great deal to me if you’d at least give me the opportunity to explain.”

“Yes, it is.” Irina reached a hand up to massage her throat.  It was always sore on colder days when she’d talked a bit. She pulled her scarf out of her backpack to wind it around her neck. “I have _repeatedly_ told you that I’m not interested in whatever it is that you have to say. I joined the Alliance, that’s what you wanted.  I’m making the best of it, that’s what you wanted.  What more can you _possible_ demand from me?”

“Consider yourself dismissed.  You’ll find your friends in the security office.  I’m sure that they’ll get off with nothing more than an incident report.” Hackett shook his head with a sigh.  He acknowledged her salute and then walked away without another word.

“Admiral?” Irina took a step forward and spoke before she could stop herself.

“Yes?”

“Why do you keep trying?” She’d received multiple invitations from him over the last two years since her graduation from bootcamp.  She had no doubt that he’d be there when she graduated from the university in a couple of months.

“You’ll understand one day.” He smiled at her and then continued on his way.

Confusion was something that Irina found to be particularly annoying.  She channeled that into being pissed off at Brodie.  She found him sitting sheepishly outside the security office.  Tamara had dragged Koa away to avoid another fight.

“Who was she?” Irina’s voice had dropped down to its raspiest.  She’d have to stop for warm tea with honey before going to her next class.

“A friend.”

“Were you sleeping with her?” Irina brushed his hand away when he reached for her.

“Yep.”

“Then you can continue to sleep with her.” Irina decided it was time to head to class.  She’d had enough of the _male_ species for one damn day.

She was still thinking about Hackett later that evening while having dinner with Koa and Tamara.  The two had decided to get engaged. They were waiting for the wedding the following year.  Irina thought they were completely insane.

There had been something in the look of his eyes when she’d said no.   She’d seen it before and it had pissed her off.  This time it simply left her feeling like she’d done something wrong.  She found herself replaying the conversation in her head that when she was back in her quarters.

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: Graduation._

_You still coming?_

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Greg Holt_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Graduation._

_I told you this morning that I was attending the ceremony._

_So why don’t you tell me what you really messaged me about?_

_Greg_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: re: Graduation._

_I saw Admiral Hackett today, still not sure why he was even here._

_Why can’t he just leave me alone?  I can’t see him without seeing Mindoir._

_Brodie received a write up for appearing nude in public._

_Weirdest. Day. Ever._

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Greg Holt_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Hackett_

_I think you’ll be able to answer that question for yourself when you’re able to realize that Hackett had nothing to do with Mindoir.  You want someone to blame.  He makes an incredibly easy target.  You know all of that already.  _

_Why was Corporal Hawkins naked? And why was he in Hartford? I thought…please tell me that you didn’t decide to break the regs for a maggot like Brodie Hawkins. _

_Greg_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: re: _Hackett__

_Thank you for being completely unhelpful._

_You can ask Brodie why he was naked. I’ve got no further comment on the situation._

_See you next month._

_Irina_


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise, this does EVENTUALLY end up being a Shepard/Hackett story. It's not a triangle at all. It's just going to take a bit of a journey to get Irina there lol. And there will be smut, eventually lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Greg Holt_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: Shore-Leave._

_I am not interested in refusals._

_I told you that you needed shore-leave. You lost your voice for a week because you were over doing it during your N1 course._

_You’re on leave for a month. Go to Elysium, Relax._

_Greg_

* * *

When Irina saw _Major_ _Holt_ next, she was going to punch him in the throat.  She was currently the only damn person who seemed capable of organizing the colonists on Elysium as the batarians hit.  She separated those with weapons into groups to secure the perimeter.

She took _great_ pleasure in taking out one batarian after the other as she fought her way through to the only breach in their defenses.  They had a few hours to wait until the _cavalry_ arrived.  It was so much like Mindoir in a way that she had to fight through her own nightmares not to lose herself.

It was déjà vu when a strong arm wrapped around her waist to pull her away from the gunfire.  Irina wasn’t sixteen anymore though.  She elbowed the person in the stomach until she was released.

“Pet?”

She froze at the familiar voice and nickname. “Philip.”

“Must I always drag you out of the fire?” He held her just inside the dark alley.

“I think you’ll find that I’m the one doing the firing this time.” Irina broke his hold on her and shoved him into a nearby shop. “Stay here, I have batarians to kill.”

“Pet?”

“It’s Lieutenant Shepard.” She grinned at the respect that she saw in his eyes. She paused to appreciate the way he looked in his dark jeans and light denim shirt that was open at the collar. “Unless you have a weapon, I’d suggest locking this door and staying out of my way.”

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: Elysium._

_Brilliant idea._

_Send me to a colony that’s about to be attacked by a hoard of batarians._

_Thanks. I really wanted to revisit the worst night of my entire life._

_Bonus, I actually managed to save every single colonist this time.  Maybe the ghosts from Mindoir will stop haunting me._

_I believe the emotion that I currently feel is hatred._

_Next time you want to order me on vacation, maybe an active volcano?_

_Irina_

* * *

“We’re like some really weird skin gradient chart.” Brodie pointed out as they stood by the bar.

Her buddies had decided that she needed a night out drinking after the _medal_ ceremony on Elysium.  They knew how much fighting against the batarians had affected her.  Koa had found her in her room screaming the night after the attack. 

They’d decided leaving her alone was a bad idea for a few days.  The obvious solution was to get completely plastered on cheap wine.  Irina couldn’t really argue with the logic.

Ivy shook her head at him. “What are you talking about?”

“Well look. I’m clearly pale to the point of being a damn ghost. You’re standing next to me, just slightly less pale.  Tamara’s got a tan, Koa’s got that island glow and then Corrina’s on the end with that lovely shade of brown that makes me so… Why does she turn me down?” Brodie stared mournfully into his beer.

“Because you say stupid shit like that.” Corrina threw her napkin at him which landed in Irina’s glass of wine. “And because you possess the wrong equipment between your pale, hairy legs.”

“And you’re the sharp shooter?” Irina fished out the soggy napkin and dumped it on Brodie’s head.  Red wine dripped down his face onto his t-shirt. “Never mind, that actually worked out perfectly.”

“Lieutenant Shepard?”

Irina turned just as Brodie threw the wet napkin into her face.  She met Hackett’s eyes while peeling the dripping cloth away.  She dropped it on the bar and tried to appear…unfazed _._ She snapped to attention sending a spray of wine droplets onto the Admiral’s pristine dress blues.

_Oh. God._

The slight choking sound from Koa told her that her _buddies_ were trying very hard not to laugh at her predicament. Hackett stared down at the red spots on his uniform and then over at her.  He raised a single eyebrow at her.

“Good vintage?”

“I…” Irina dissolved into a fit of giggles.  Between the stress of the Blitz and seeing Philip and everything, she’d been keeping a tight hold on herself.  This was just _too_ damn much for her.  “Sorry, Sir.”

“At ease, Lieutenant.” Hackett took her by the shoulder and let her into a quiet section of the bar. “Are you ok? It can’t have been easy fighting against batarians.”

“I’m fine, Sir.” Irina sobered up quickly as she realized that it was _Hackett_ and not _Holt_ in front of her. “Did you need something?”

Hackett covered his face with his hand and muttered to himself for a moment. “Despite what you seem to obviously think of me.  I do actually care about _all_ the marines in the Alliance.  I knew your father, and I care about your well-being.  You faced what is probably still your worst nightmare, you did an _amazing_ job. You’re a damn hero.  Isn’t it possible that I’m legitimately concerned over how you are?”

“No.” Irina was regretting the glasses of cheap wine.  She didn’t have enough control over herself and that one word seemed to hit Hackett like a punch. “I…”

“Enjoy your evening, Lieutenant.”

She watched him leaving feeling…very confused. _“Damn it.”_

She didn’t have long to be confused as a much more welcome figure stepped into the bar.  She stopped herself from running over to him.  She wasn’t twelve anymore.  And she _really_ wanted Philip to notice that. 

Her plans were destroyed when she noticed the beautiful redhead standing beside him.  There were wedding rings on their fingers.  Irina grabbed a wineglass from Corrina and drank it in one long, painful gulp.

“I really hate shore-leave.” She waved the bartender over for a refill. “ _Really_ hate it.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

  _Six Years Later…_

Even with Major Holt’s encouragement, Irina had made a brilliant career in the Alliance without ever really giving a damn about it.  She could never seem to muster up any sort of passion for the military.  She enjoyed it most when she’d been assigned to working at a research clinic after she finished her degree.

Elysium had been an aberration as far as she was concerned.  She didn’t want to have a medal or be anyone’s hero.  N-school had been a pain in the ass.  The N7 designation had just brought more unwanted recognition.  It had also forced her to deal with _Admiral Hackett_ since she'd been reassigned to Arcturus.

The more time that she was forced to spend with him, the less that she found herself able to be quite so openly hostile to him.  They weren't friends but she...felt like they were close to it.  He never seemed to give up on the chance of their being at least more than cordial with each other.

It didn't really change until she joined the _Normandy_.   Captain Anderson, as a friend of Hackett, wasn’t a complete stranger.  He kept attempting to encourage her like Holt had.  It wasn’t like she hadn’t excelled as an officer.  She just wasn’t all _gung-ho_ about being a marine.

Anderson thought she just needed to _apply herself_. 

_What did that even mean?_

_Apply herself._

As if the ‘N7’ and ‘Commander’ weren’t enough, Irina grew tired of everyone having a plan for her life.  The Alliance had never really been her first, second or hundredth preferred path for her life.  She thought she’d done pretty well for herself in spite of that.

_Why couldn’t that be enough?_

It was worse than being in ballet again.  There was always a higher achievement to strive for.  The perfection was starting to exhaust her.  It was a level that she simply found impossible to maintain.

The change started when Jenkins died under her command on Eden Prime.  She felt for the first time what truly came with having a position of authority.  She’d saved everyone on Elysium.  She took his death hard.

She was even more quiet than normal as the _Normandy_ headed to the Citadel.  The next few days were mostly spent getting lost on the Citadel while they tried to find proof that Saren was a murdering traitor.  She didn’t like that the man had screwed Anderson over in the past. 

The addition of Spectre to her list of accomplishments had been equally unwelcome.  She’d tried to talk Anderson and Udina into putting Alenko’s name forward.  She was _unsuccessful._

Her crew had scattered on the Citadel on shore-leave while Udina and Anderson tried to figure out how she was going to go after Saren without a ship.   She was on her way to join them in Flux when Lieutenant Girard from C-sec sent her a message asking for her assistant in dealing with a suicidal young woman.

She didn’t recognize the young woman immediately.  But her story was heartbreakingly familiar.  She’d been on Mindoir the night of the attack.  Her parents had been murdered but she’d been captured.  As she told her story, Irina couldn’t help but think that it could’ve been her own.

Talking her down had been difficult, but Irina finally managed to convince her to take the sedative.  She had Lieutenant Girard take her to the hospital.  He promised to keep her updated on her condition.

She found a quiet spot at a restaurant on the Citadel to pull up her omni-tool.  Holt wasn’t answering her hail.   She hesitated before pulling up a new tab on the extra-net.  She typed in a name that she’d been avoiding for years.  It was perhaps something that she should've done a long time ago.

_Admiral Hackett._

She read a brief bio on him only to suddenly felt like a complete fool.  She’d always assumed that he had an ulterior motive.  But the more that she read about his background, how he joined the Alliance, she had a feeling it had more to do with understanding what she must’ve felt.  She understood now what he’d meant about _paying it forward._

_What he’d meant about her understanding it one day._

He'd lost his family young and could've fallen through the cracks.  The Alliance had given him a career, a dream to strive.  She couldn't help but wonder if all those years ago in Boston, maybe that's what he'd been trying to do for her.  He'd seen that her dreams were slipping through her fingers and wanted to give her something new to hold on to.

And she'd basically spit in his face and on his own dream.

* * *

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Citadel_

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_S: Are you free to talk, Sir?_

_H: Irina. Will you ever call me Steven? Or at least, Hackett?_

_I: Is this a bad time?  
_

_H:  No. It's fine. What can I do for you?  You don’t usually voluntarily contact me…ever._

_S: I wanted to say that I’m sorry._

_H: Sorry? What for?_

_S: Being a rude and ungrateful bitch for the...well since I’ve known you._

_H: You don’t owe me an apology._

_S:  But I do.  You did more for me than I deserved and I’ve never said thank you.  I’ve gone out of my way to….I’m very sorry._

_H: What brought this on?_

_S: I met another survivor from Mindoir.  She wasn’t as lucky as I was.  The slavers captured her, kept her all these years.  She escaped, no damn clue how, but she did.  I talked her down from trying to kill herself. And I thought about you, what I accused you of doing.  You smoothed my path into the Alliance and took care of me in the hospital.  I’ve never bothered to say thanks or just be…polite to you. I didn’t want to understand.  I wanted someone to hate, and you were a convenient if unfair target._

_H: Irina._

_S: I feel like I spent all these years hating the one person who’s been there for me since right after Mindoir.  Philip wasn’t, he just went off because seeing me was a reminder of that night.  Even after all the cruel things that I’ve said, the borderline insubordination, you’ve been there for every single important moment._

_S: I’d like to take you out to dinner sometime; maybe we could try that friendship concept out? This time I won’t be a petulant child._

_H: How about we have lunch on the Citadel? I’m here for the moment._

_S: Really? I haven’t…you were at the Spectre ceremony._

_H: Of course I was._

_S: So lunch? Now?_

_H: There’s a restaurant that I’ve wanted to try on one of the upper wards.  Meet me at the embassy in thirty minutes?_

_S: Sure._

_User has disconnected._

* * *

Irina showered quickly and decided that she wasn’t going to wear her uniform.  She pulled on a pair of grey wide-legged trousers, a maroon long-sleeved light weight sweater and brown ballet flats.  She grabbed the rose tinted glasses that she’d picked up in Tokyo when she’d visited with Koa and Tamara last year.

Waiting for the elevator to arrive once she’d met the Admiral at the embassy, Irina reached a rather uncomfortable conclusion.  Admiral Steven Hackett was…handsome.  She’d been too busy being angry with him over the years to notice how damned attractive the man was.

_How very inconvenient._

She just stopped hating the man.  She didn’t think she was quite ready to think about what he’d look like underneath the uniform. _Stop it._ She schooled her features as she stepped into the elevator with him.  She glanced over at him to find twinkling blue eyes watching her curiously. Maybe her friends were right, maybe she'd been single too long.

_Very, very inconvenient._

With the dismal failure of Brodie and the finding Philip married, Irina’s love life had involved short flings with civilians that she met on shore-leave.  Corrina often accused her of mastering the one-night stand but not real relationships.  She shrugged it off, why bother?

Lunch with Hackett was awkward but it was a start.  She hadn’t expected to go from hating him, whether irrational or not, to liking him over night.  But they had managed to have a good meal with friendly conversation.  She had to stop herself a few times from being sharp with him.

“Can we do this again?” Hackett asked hesitantly as they were finishing up their meal. “Lunch or dinner?”

“I…” She could tell that he already expected a ‘no’ from her. It made her want to say yes just to prove him wrong. “Sure. When?”

“I know you’re heading to Therum, perhaps we can have dinner when you’ve finished?” Hackett grabbed the bill before she could pay. “Thank you.”

Irina was quiet as they headed out of the restaurant.  She wanted to…she wasn’t sure what she wanted to tell him.  Her thoughts and opinions of Hackett had done drastic shift that her mind was having trouble processing it all.

“I’m not expecting miracles, Irina.” Hackett teased her. “I’m just glad that you aren’t freezing me out of your life.”

“Be careful what you wish for, _Steven_.” Irina smiled at him before saying goodbye and making her way back to the _Normandy._

_Very careful._

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Elysium_

_From: Philip Durand_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_P: I saw your invitation to the memorial service._

_I: And?_

_P: I can’t go, Pet._

_I: Why?_

_P: It’s…I just can’t._

_I: Fine._

_P: Pet._

_I: You have a family and a life that you’ve built for yourself.  Perhaps, I should stay in your memories like everyone else on Mindoir._

_User has disconnected._

* * *

The _Normandy_ was an hour away from the jump to the Knossos System.  Doctor T’Soni was hopefully the first step in finding Saren and getting the damn visions out of her head.  She didn’t like the headaches that had come with the beacon.

Philip brought thoughts of Mindoir and her parents back to her.  She still missed them tremendously.  She wondered if maybe he felt the same.  He certainly hadn’t tried to keep in touch with her after they saw each other during the Blitz.

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: Mindoir._

_There’s a service for the thirteenth anniversary of the attack coming up in a coupleo f days._

_Are you going?_

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Greg Holt_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Mindoir._

_I can’t._

_Greg_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: re: Mindoir._

_I’ll put flowers on her grave for you._

_Irina_

* * *

It was the answer that she’d expected.  Holt hadn’t been to Mindoir since the attack.   The trouble was that she didn’t want to face her demons alone.

Koa and Tamara were _occupied_ with their family.  Brodie didn’t do _serious_ things like memorials and Corrina was currently on a covert op.  She’d be unreachable for the next month or so.  She liked the _Normandy_ crew but not enough to share her darkest nightmares with.

 _She just didn’t want to face it alone_.

Once they’d rescued the Asari doctor, Irina had Joker make the Attican Traverse.  Alenko and Chakwas had both offered to go with her.  She declined as politely as possible though she appreciated the thought.

Thirty minutes later, Irina stood in front of her parents’ graves.  She’d already left flowers on Jodie’s for herself and for Holt.  She dropped to her knees with her fingers digging into the dirt.

“I failed,” she whispered. Her voice was choked painfully by sobs that she tried to swallow. “I didn’t accomplish any of my dreams.  I think…I think that you’d still be proud of me.  I…took a different path.  I miss you.  I’m so sorry that you…”

A warm hand gently rested on her shoulder as someone knelt beside her.  Irina looked up to find Hackett crouched on the grass.  He wore black jeans and a crisp white dress shirt.  He said nothing but simply stayed by her side as she grieved.

“Why are you here?” She asked as she wiped away the tears.  He helped her to her feet and she shook her head with a sigh. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

“I didn’t want you to face this alone,” he shrugged.

“Thanks.” Irina focused her attention on brushing the dirt from her jeans and fingers. “They’ve reopened this diner in town. “Would...I mean…coffee?”

“I’d love to have coffee with you.” Hackett followed her as they headed away from the cemetery and across the little town that had been rebuilt.

“Our farm was on the outskirts of the original community.” She couldn’t look around without seeing how it had been so many years ago. “I hated it here. I wanted to see the world, well Earth.  I wanted to do more with my life than be a _farmer._ ”

“You got your wish.” He gestured to the dog tags around her neck. 

“And you know? I’d give it all up to have them back.” Irina glanced up to find a sad smile on his face.  She knew that he understood.  Maybe it was the sympathy in his eyes, but she impulsively reached out to rest her hand on his cheek.  She leaned up to kiss him gently on the opposite side of his face. “Thank you for being here for me.”

“Always.”

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Koa_

_To: Irina_

_Subj: re: Crushes._

_So what’s this I hear about you having a crush on someone?_

_It’s not Brodie again, is it?_

_I already had to kick his ass once._

_Koa_

* * *

_From: Irina_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: re: None of your business._

_I do not have a crush on anyone._

_Though you can kick Brodie’s ass again.  He probably deserves it._

_How are Tamara and the baby?_

_Irina_

* * *

She should’ve known that talking to Tamara about having…or being interested in someone would eventually be spread to most if not all of her friends.  It had been a while since the disaster that dating Brodie had been and then losing Philip.  Her friends were all interested in the idea that she might be involved.

She twirled in front of her terminal.  Running through a few pliés and pirouettes, it helped her calm her mind down.  She finally danced over to sit down and pull up a new chat window. 

* * *

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Attican Beta_

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_S: I’m shipping the module and a bill for animal control to you._

_H: Animal control?_

_S: A monkey stole your module._

_H: A monkey?_

_S: I do not get paid enough to chase monkeys across a planet._

_H: How much should you get paid to chase monkeys?_

_S: How much do you make annually?_

_H: Enough to do my job without complaint._

_S: Must be nice sitting at the top of the chain._

_H: Did you message me to complain about your assignment?_

_S: Pretty much._

_H: Irina._

_S: Yes?_

_H: I’m glad that we’re talking…without the insults and pointed glares from your side of the conversation._

_S: Ok._

_H: But I get the feeling that you’re trying very desperately not_ _to tell me something.  Why don’t you just tell me and get it over with?_

_S: Did you know that there’s a performance of Midsummer’s Night being performed in the new Mariinsky Theater?_

_H: I can honestly say that I did not know that._

_S: I’m going.  The Normandy’s on shore-leave for a few days.  We have a few injuries from the thorian on Feros. I still have friends in the ballet world that got me a couple of tickets._

_H: Oh?_

_S: Would you like to go? With me...and probably Major Holt? He hasn’t said if he can go._

_H: I’d love to._

_S: Really._

_H: Thought I’d say no?_

_S: Yes._

_H: I do have an appreciation for things other than weapons and the military, Irina._

_S: Oh?_

_H: You should keep an open mind. I’ve surprised you in the past._

_S: How open of a mind should I have?_

_H: How open of a mind are you capable of having?_

_S: I think I’d be risking breaking the regs if I answered that question, Steven._

_H: And what were you doing with Lieutenant Hawkins?_

_S: I was having a very open mind._

_S: I’ll send you the details for the ballet. Shepard out._

_User has disconnected._

* * *

Irina stood inside the entrance of the theatre waiting for Holt and Hackett.  She’d worn a cute blue dress with a black pair of ballet flats.  She wore a small onyx ring and necklace.  She wore a rose earcuff on her left ear. 

Hackett arrived first.  She’d expected him to be wearing his dress blues.  Instead, he wore a black and grey pinstriped suit.  She smiled up at him and surprised both of them with a light kiss on his cheek.

They stood chatting with each other when Holt showed up.  He glanced between the two of them with a frown.  He raised an eyebrow at Irina who simply shrugged in response.  She didn’t know what his problem was.  He turned his attention to the man standing beside her.

“Admiral.”

“Major.”

Irina smiled at the glares the two men were exchanging. “Now, if I recall correctly.  Every other time that the three of us have been in the same place, you were both trying to get me to stop glaring.  Now, could you please explain yourselves?”

“Why is he here?” Holt muttered as he followed Irina to the private box where their seats were.

“I invited him.” Irina took the seat in the middle so they were forced to sit on either side of her. “Why do you keep glowering at him like that?”

“You were flirting.” Holt sounded more than mildly disapproving.

“Excuse me?”

“The two of you were flirting with each other,” Holt grumbled. “I preferred it when you hated him.”

“Do you mind? I’m trying to enjoy the ballet.” Hackett leaned forward to reprimand Holt. As he moved back in his chair, he winked at Irina and his fingers brushed against her arm. “It’s too _lovely_ not to give my full attention.”

Irina smiled at him.  She shifted forward in the chair to look over the railing of the private box to get a better view at the stage.  She let the swell of the music flow through her as she watched the dancers.  It was the first ballet that she’d been to since her epic failure in Boston.

The longer the dance went on, the harder it became for her to take.  Her fingers clenched at her side as she swallowed hard at the sudden lump in her throat.  She almost jumped in her seat when strong, calloused fingers moved over the top of her hand. 

She glanced down to watch as Hackett’s hand covered hers. He offered her a sympathetic smile and reached in with his other hand to retrieve a handkerchief from the inside of his suit jacket to offer to her. She murmured a thank you as she wiped her tears and went back to watching the stage.

* * *

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: Thank you._

_For a beautiful evening._

_I enjoyed the performance._

_Steven_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: re: Thank you._

_I’m glad._

_Though next time, perhaps you and the Major could avoid acting like stubborn mules?_

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: mules._

_I have no idea what his problem was._

_I simply enjoyed a wonderful night with a beautiful woman…and an ugly drill instructor._

_Steven_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: re: mules._

_Thank you._

_And thank you for proving my point._

_Holt was under the mistaken impression that you were flirting with me._

_I tried to tell him that he was wrong.  Flirting usually evolves into something more and you barely shook my hand when we parted._

_Irina_

* * *

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: flirting._

_Evolution takes time._

_How many years did it take for you to actually look at me with anything other than hatred?_

_I thought caution might be a wise idea._

_Steven_

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: re: caution._

_I’ll be sure to remember that the next time that I see you._

_As much as I enjoy messaging back and forth, I need to get some rest. I’m having dinner with friends tomorrow since the crew still has shore-leave._

_And before you ask, I’m having dinner with Brodie and Corrina from my recruit class._

_Irina_

* * *

Hackett frowned at his terminal.  He knew that Irina had dated Lieutenant Hawkins off and on for a year or two.  He’d seen them together a few times.  He’d been there when Koa Kalena had been involved in a fight with Hawkins.  He wondered if they were back together.

He felt like Irina had pushed him into the middle of a hurricane.  He’d always thought she was beautiful, but _off limits._ The last few weeks had apparently changed all of that.  The off limits seemed to no longer be applicable. 

He turned away from his desk to stare blankly at the floor. He would not rush this.  He knew that Irina had dated civilians mostly after Hawkins.  He didn’t know if her flirting had meant anything more than her just being friendly.

His terminal beeped again and he reached a hand out to answer the hail without looking to see who it was.   He was surprised when Irina popped up on his vid-comm.  She appeared to be in a tank-top and cargo pants, sitting at the desk in her quarters on the _Normandy._

“Irina?”

“I…” She stuttered to a stop as she took in the fact that he wore nothing but the suit trousers that he’d been wearing earlier.  He snapped his fingers when her gaze seemed to hover around his abdomen. “We decided that we’re going to have dinner on Arcturus.  Would you like to join us tomorrow night?”

“Are you sure?” Hackett knew that she considered her little group of friends to be like family.   Major Holt had mentioned once that he never received invites when they were getting together. 

“Yes.” Irina’s graze drifted down his upper body once more. “I’m just…I should go.”

_How very interesting._

He was clearly going to need to see how far he could push her growing attraction. He’d been single for a few years, too busy for relationships and too high up in the ranks to afford to be able to indulge himself in pointless flings.  Irina would prove an interesting challenge for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irina's outfit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69625350631/irina-goes-to-the-ballet-by-pixelatrix-me


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

A bare chest had never plagued Irina like Hackett’s did. _Damn him_.  She couldn’t get him out of her mind, though at least this time it wasn’t because she was angry with him.  Dinner with Brodie and Corrina had been momentarily postponed so she hadn’t gotten to see him.

When she did finally meet up with the two of them, they ended up drinking late into the night.  Brodie and Corrina eventually headed off together. _Very bad idea._ It left her with hours to kill before the _Normandy_ would make the jump to the Horse Head Nebula to deal with the potential problem on Noveria.

_Two…three glasses of red wine._

They hadn’t been very big glasses but Irina was suddenly regretting all three of them.  It had eroded her self-control.  She definitely planned on blaming the wine for the fact that she was knocking on Hackett’s front door.

“Irina?” Hackett answered the door and she got the feeling that he’d been in the process of undressing.  He was still wearing his dress pants but only a white under-shirt.  His dress shirt was held loosely in his left hand. He draped it over the back of the couch. “Is everything alright?”

“You…” Irina tried to focus on a legitimate reason for being there.  Her eyes stopped cooperating as they were drawn to his mouth. “I think I should…”

“Could you finish at least one of those sentences?” He took a step closer to her.

Irina barely heard what he’d said.  She moved into his living quarters, not even aware that the door had slid shut behind her.  She raised her fingers tentatively to touch his lips.  The hairs along his upper lip tickled her skin.

He caught her wrist when she started to lower her hand.  He kissed each of her fingertips with slow, deliberate caresses. His blue eyes never leaving hers. Holding her fingers against his mouth, Hackett lifted his other hand to trace her eyebrows with the back of his fingers.  He skimmed a meandering path from her forehead to her cheek and finally down to her lips.

With one last press of his mouth to her fingers, Hackett moved them from his lips to press her fingers against her own lips.  His gaze seemed to asses her every thought as he released her wrist.  He made no further move towards her though and his hand dropped away from her.

“So what brings you to my door?” Hackett spoke casually as if they hadn’t been touching moments ago.

There were plenty of ways that Irina could’ve responded.  She couldn’t seem to recall what she’d intended to say when she knocked on his door. Her brain had decided to stop functioning as had her voice.   She couldn’t get the words out.

She took a single step that brought her toe to toe with him.  Placing her hands on his chest, her fingers held on to the front of his undershirt.  She leaned up to brush her lips against the spot where her fingers had touched earlier.  Her hands moved up to get a firmer grasp of his shoulders.  She opened her mouth and their tongues met together for a first real taste.

“Irina.” He murmured her name against her lips.

“I should…” She stumbled back. His hand came up to steady her.  She took a moment to gather herself. “I should go, but I think I want to do that again.

“Good.”

“Not now, I need to…think” Irina waited until he’d let go of her arm so she could back up towards the door.

* * *

_From: Koa_

_To: Corrina_

_Subj: Irina_

_What did you two do to my little sister?_

_I had the most confusing message from her at three in the morning and now she’s not responding._

_Do I need to teach Brodie a lesson again?_

_Koa_

* * *

_From: Corrina_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: re: Irina_

_Brodie went home with me not her, so I have no idea what’s going on with her. _

_What’d she say exactly?_

_Corrina_

* * *

_From: Koa_

_To: Corrina_

_Subj: re: Irina_

_Something about an extraordinary first kiss or something._

_She sounded a little drunk which is strange because she usually avoids getting anything beyond buzzed._

_Are you sure he didn’t do something?_

_Koa_

* * *

_From: Corrina_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: re: Irina_

_Yes, I’m sure._

_Stop looking for reasons to pummel Brodie._

_Corrina_

* * *

It was a few days before Hackett heard that the _Normandy_ had docked on Arcturus again.  He’d been surprised when he hadn’t heard anything from Irina.  He knew that she’d successfully cleared out the base on Noveria.  She’d also managed to save Terra Nova from batarian terrorists.

He had been a little worried about her facing batarians.  His concern increased when Major Holt sent him a message that Irina wasn’t responding to his contact attempts.  He decided it was time to pay her a visit.

Her XO Pressly suggested that he check out the ballet studio on Arcturus.   Hackett found the coordinates for it and headed straight there.  He found Irina alone in one of the rooms.  She was dancing in the dark to the strains of an instrumental piece.

Leaning back against the door once he’d closed it, Hackett watched as she twirled around the room.  He didn’t recognize the music but it sounded like a classical piece.  She looked magnificent and graceful.

_Beautiful._

He’d never seen her dance before, or perform.  Holt had told him once about attending a pageant at her school on Mindoir.  She danced as if she expressed her emotions through the movements.  He wondered if that was why she tended to seek out dance when stressed or upset.

Irina paused mid-turn when she caught sight of him. “Adm…Steven.”

“Good work on the asteroid.” He rushed forward when she stumbled on her toes. His arms went around her as he realized that she’d been crying. “I’ve got you.”

“Batarians.”

_One word._

It encompassed all of Irina’s worst nightmares.  Hackett lifted her light frame easily to carry her over to the bench that ran along the only wall that wasn’t covered in mirrors.   He set her down on it and knelt in front of her. 

Slowly and gently, Hackett unwound the ribbons from around her ankles.  He eased soft satin slippers from her feet.  He stretched his arm out to snag the backpack that rested at the end of the bench.  He carefully put the ballet shoes away and pulled out her socks and sneakers to put on her.

Tears still shone in her eyes but Irina smiled through them when he looked up at her.  Her fingers reached out to thread through his short grey hair.  Bending forward, she pressed her lips against his forehead.

“Thank you.” Her breath feathered across his skin as she spoke.

Her fingers drifted down the sides of his face until they rested on his strong jaw. She tilted his head up so her lips grazed the top of his nose and then touched his lips. He let her control the depth of the kiss.  He didn’t want to push her too far or fast.

She had practically bolted from his apartment the last time that they’d kissed.  He could understand why.  For so long, she’d looked at him with mixed emotions at best and sometimes with pure hatred.  He could imagine that to find a sudden attraction was probably a little disorienting for her.

“Can I take you out for dinner?” Hackett asked once she’d leaned back.  He stood up to sit beside her on the bench.

“Did you have somewhere specific in mind?” Irina’s voice sounded a little hoarser than normal. 

He brushed her fingers out of the way and massaged her throat gently for her.  He’d seen her do it many times before when she’d strained her vocal cords.  “I thought about bringing you to my place to cook for you.  That might be a little…”

“You cook?”

“If you’d come out of your room while you were staying with me, you might have noticed.” He teased her.

 _“_ If my eighteen year old self knew I’d be…having the thoughts that I’m having, I don’t think I’d have ever left the room at all.” Irina adjusted her socks and made sure the laces of her shoes were tightened enough.

“Thoughts?” Hackett lightly ran one of his fingers along the underside of her jaw.  He watched the pronounced way that she swallowed at his touch.  He leaned over to place the lightest of kisses behind her ear. “What kind of thoughts would those be?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Irina said teasingly. “I need to shower, and then you can show me your impressive cooking skills.”

“You can use my shower. I even promise to stay in the kitchen.” Hackett lifted her backpack in one hand and offered her his other hand to help her up to her feet. “Unless you’d like company.”

“Not yet.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Arcturus_

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_SH: Do you have plans for Saturday?_

_IS: Plans? Aside from hunting down a homicidal turian and his army of geth? Nope, I’m completely free._

_SH: Since this is text, I’ll choose to ignore the hint of sarcasm._

_IS: What’s going on this Saturday?_

_SH: I think you should tell Joker to head for Arcturus and give the crew shore-leave for a few days.  Pack an over-night bag with something…formal as well as something comfortable enough for hiking._

_IS: Why?_

_SH: Now if I answered that, it would spoil the surprise._

_IS: Are you asking me out on a date?_

_SH: Not exactly. I’m kidnapping you for a surprise extended date._

_IS: That’s certainly clarified things for me._

_SH: I’ll see you in a few days._

_User has disconnected._

* * *

Irina waited for the Admiral by the space port on Arcturus.  She had a couple of changes of clothes in her deep, forest green leather messenger back.  It was battered and beaten up but still working.  She’d kept it over the years, even though Hackett had been the person who bought it for her way back when she still despised him.

Since they would be making the jump to wherever it was that he was taking her, Irina had decided to go with something comfortable and warm. Public transports always tended to be a little cold and Hackett had insisted on _not_ using an Alliance ship.  She wore black skinny jeans with an over-sized light grey sweater with burgundy ballet flats.

She was about to sneak over to the nearby café to grab coffee and a pastry when Hackett strolled up wearing dark blue jeans and a slate-grey dress shirt.  He held two cups and a small bag in his hands with a khaki kit bag on his back.   He smiled at her as he walked towards her.

Taking the cup that he held out to her, Irina sipped cautiously only to find the coffee made perfectly the way that she liked it.  It was sweet with a little milk and a dash of cinnamon and chocolate.   It was delicious.

_How the hell did he know the way that she preferred her coffee?_

His fingers wrapped gently around her elbow as he guided her towards one of the nearby docking bays.  He’d booked a private cabin on one of the transports that Irina knew went from Arcturus to Earth.   They made their way through the ship down to their room for the journey.

He stored both of their bags in the storage locker in cabin.  It was a small cabin that had small couch-like benches on either side with the locker at the far end of the room.  He sat casually on one side and gestured for her to sit on the other.  He waved the bag in his hand in front of her.

“I made custard facturas.” He opened the bag and tilted it towards her after she’d taken her seat. “Want one?”

“Facturas?”

“It’s a breakfast pastry from my home.  My mother taught me how to make them.” Hackett grabbed one for himself and handed the bag to her.

She nibbled a corner of the pastry delicately before asking, “where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

They spent the entire trip to Earth arguing about the best era for music.  Hackett as firm in his beliefs that the 1960s and 70s were the greatest.  Irina tended more towards the classical forms that she could dance ballet to. 

Thirty minutes before the ship arrived at the mystery destination, Hackett shifted forward until their knees touched.  He ran the tip of his forefinger along her bottom lip, pulling it down to separate her lips.  He leaned in to graze his tongue along the inside of her lip.

"You taste like chocolate on a warm night by a fire," Hackett murmured against her lips before his tongue dipped inside her mouth.

“Do you practice lines like that?” Irina lifted her fingers to trace the scar that ran from his cheek to his lip.  Her fingers feathered through the hair along his upper lip.

“I do _not_ need to practice.” He gripped her jaw and bent forward to kiss her again. “Do I?”

Her answer was lost when his tongue dipped into her mouth.  His hands didn’t stray anywhere below her shoulders, though she wanted them to.  He seemed to be enjoying the slow tease of gentle seduction.

Hackett pulled back from Irina with a regretful sigh. “If we don’t stop, I’ll be taking you on that damn bench.”

“And?” Irina sank further back into the seat with slightly dazed feeling.

“That’s not special enough for our first time together.” Hackett moved back in for one last kiss.

_Smooth._

_Very smooth._

Grabbing her forgotten coffee, Irina sipped it only to find it had completely cooled.  She set the cup aside.  She’d never felt so completely flustered by a man.  She fidgeted with the black and silver bangles on her wrist.

“Am I making you nervous, Irina?” Hackett said with a smile.

“Not precisely.”

“Then?”

“Why me?” She looked up at him through a curtain of black and white hair.  She brushed her hair out of her face impatiently.

“I could ask the same question.” He turned the conversation back on her easily. “You did _hate_ me not so long ago.”

“Hate is such an ugly word.” Irina bit her bottom lip as she grinned at him. “I’m finding lust and like to be more enjoyable where you’re involved.  It’s a little…or a lot confusing.”

“Oh?”

Irina didn’t want to admit that he’d given her the best kisses of her life.  She smiled at him with a casual shrug and left her answer at that.  It wouldn’t do him any good to learn all of her secrets.  Not that easily.  A few more kisses like those and she wasn’t sure that she’d be able to hold anything back.

_Damn._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irina's outfit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/71752165088/irina-goes-to-nyc-by-pixelatrix-me-featuring-bow


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Irina had been completely surprised when they stepped out of the transport and she found herself looking at the New York City skyline.  They had spent the afternoon strolling through the ballet exhibit at the Met.  It was a new exhibition that covered the dance form over the centuries from its beginning to the modern era.

She wandered around the museum with her arm through Hackett’s.  He didn’t seem to mind that she was silent or that she wanted to take her time.  She stared for quite a long while at a beautiful marble statue of a dancer.  She longed to reach out and touch it.

_The museum staff would probably frown on doing that._

They had a simple picnic at a park not far from the museum.  Hackett kept their conversation light.  They talked about all sorts of things, getting to know each other better.  The sun was just starting to set when he brought to their rooms at the St. Regis.  He'd gotten two rooms that were side by side.

Hackett asked her to be ready in an hour as he escorted her to her room and then with a wink headed to his own.   Irina was still trying to process the entire day when she noticed the garment bag draped carefully across the bed.   She opened it to find a stunning emerald green taffeta cocktail dress.  It had a v-neck cut with a dark peacock velvet print over the dress.

_It was gorgeus._

Next to the garment bag, Irina found a pair of matching green ballet flats.  She stared for a while at the dress and shoes before walking over to retrieve the jewelry bag from her backpack.  She pulled out black and silver bangles, black rose earrings and a multi-charm necklace. 

Irina showered and dressed as quickly as she could.  Once she had put her things away, she headed into the hallway to knock on Hackett’s door.  He answered a few moments later and her mouth fell open.

_He looked, she wasn’t sure if there was a word for it._

He wore an old-fashioned tuxedo and must’ve still been in the process of getting dressed.  His shirt was open to the center of his chest.  The ends of what looked like a necktie were draped around his neck.

Clearing her throat and forcing herself to look up into his eyes, Irina stepped into the room and let the door close behind her.  She took the final steps until she could place her hands underneath his suit jacket on his chest.  She felt the taut muscles through his shirt. 

Moving her fingers over, Irina slowly buttoned up his shirt with her gaze locked on Hackett’s.  She moved up to take the sides of the fabric.  She carefully worked the silk ribbon into a perfect bow tie.  She’d seen her mother do it on her father several times in the past.

Her hand slipped up to rest on his shoulder.  She used it for leverage to stand on her tip toes to place her lips against his. “So where are you taking me?”

“The Metropolitan Opera.” He smiled at the surprised smile that spread across her face. “I understand that La Bohème is a favorite of yours.”

She had to blink rapidly to try to stop the tears that started to flood her eyes. “La Bohème? At the Met?”

“Is that alright?” He asked with a tone of concern in his voice.  He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket to pull out a small handkerchief that he used to gently blot away her tears.

“It’s…there is a piece from it that was supposed to be my audition piece.  It’s what I couldn’t bring myself to perform at college.” Irina placed her hand against his check.  “It’s time that I reveled in the music again.”

“Are you certain?”

She nodded with a smile small. Her fingers tapped against his lips before she placed her hand on his arm.   He seemed to silently consider it for a moment and then finally escorted her out of the room towards the elevator to head out of the hotel.

It wasn’t as hard as Irina had imagined it would be to sit in a theatre to listen to an opera again.  She wasn’t sure if she actually enjoyed it.  It was beautiful and breathtaking.  It also hurt her heart. 

He was a comforting strength by her side.  He kept his arm around the back of her chair.  His fingers firmly wrapped around her shoulder.   Her muted enjoyment was likely more related to the sensations his casual caresses on her bare arm were causing.  The night couldn’t end soon enough.  

Hackett paused at the threshold to her room when they finally made it back to the hotel. “I had every intention of being the _perfect_ gentleman tonight.”

“Oh?” Irina turned around to look at him.  The hem of her dress brushed against his trousers.  He had stepped closer to her and she had to tilt her head back to meet his gaze. “But?”

“My need to see what’s underneath that exquisite dress is stronger.” Hackett bent down to press his lips against her skin just above the bottom of the v-neckline on her dress.   His beard tickled her neck as he moved up to kiss underneath her chin. “Will you let me spend the night, Irina?”

Irina could think of a thousand sarcastic responses but the only word that she could get past her suddenly dry mouth was _yes._   She cleared her throat carefully.   The last thing that she wanted was him to start worrying about her damaged voice at a time like this.

He pressed his lips to her as he raised her hand to brush against the door lock.  He walked them back into the room.  His fingers softly trailed up and down her bare arms.  He moved them to her waist to spin her around.

With his mouth placing teasing kisses along the top of her shoulder and the side of her neck, Hackett casually eased the zipper on her dress down.  He brought his hands up to slowly push the fabric off of her shoulders.  The dress slid down to the floor and pooled at her feet. 

She started to bend to pick it up but his fingers under her chin stopped her.  He crouched down to take the dress and toss it carelessly across the back of the chair at the nearby desk.  His lips and fingers seemed to caress every inch of her legs though he avoided moving between her upper thighs. 

His touches were gentle and soft but measured. It felt like he wanted her to know that she could back away at any point.  His strong, rough fingers gripped the inside of her thigh as he pushed her legs apart.  There was no way in hell that she was doing anything other than enjoy the handsome man on his knees in front of her.

The minute that his touch grazed the dark short hairs between her thighs, Irina felt as if she lost track of time and even place.  The rest of the evening went by like snippets of a vid. Her strongest memories of it were his hands gliding up her sides to firmly touch her breasts. 

His thumbs paid particular attention to the nipples.  It had distracted her if only briefly, from the firm cock that pushed into her pussy.  He’d been almost tender in his movements.  And for the first time in her sexual life, she’d come completely undone underneath a man. 

They eventually ended up stretched out side by side on top of the covers on the bed.   She wiped the back of her hand across her brow to clear the fine sheen of sweat that had gathered.  Her moans had strained her vocal cords a little.  But she had a feeling the look in her eyes and the fact that her body was still trembling told Hackett much she’d enjoyed it.

He glanced to the right to look at the clock on the side table. “It’s only three.  I wonder how many times I can make you climax before the sun comes up.”

He took her by the arm and tugged her gently over until she was on top of him.  He shifted her until their bodies were aligned.  His cock was between her thighs, pressing against her but not into her.  His fingers slid up over her hips to the curve of her ass and then drifted up along either side of her spine.

“Steven?” Her voice was gruff and cracked on just the one word.

Hackett raised his hand to place two fingers firmly against her lips to hush her. “I think we should let our bodies do the talking, or maybe it’s a beautiful dance.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irina's Dress: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/71752687609/irina-goes-to-the-opera-by-pixelatrix-me-featuring
> 
> Hackett's Suit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/71867290063/british-lord-the-old-british-aristocracy


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Irina felt slightly disoriented when she woke up several hours later.  The room was flipped around and strong arms held her against a warm, hard body.  She lifted her head up to find Hackett watching her.

“Morning.”

“When do we have to leave?” Irina attempted to shift over onto her back but his arms kept her stationary.

“The transport back to Arcturus leaves late this evening.” Hackett’s beard tickled the side of her neck. “Do you trust me?”

“Trustworthy people don’t often ask that question.” Irina sat up to watch as he slid out from under the covers.

They’d both fallen asleep naked so she had a great view of his ass as he walked over to his bag that sat on a chair across the room.  He grinned back at her response and then fished around inside his bag to pull out a pair of ballet slippers.  The ribbons dangled in the air as he stepped back to the bed. 

Frowning at him in confusion, Irina didn’t argue when he pulled her gently down until her feet rested at the edge of the bed.  He arranged the blanket so it wasn’t bunched up under her.  She pushed herself up on her elbows to watch him with growing curiosity.   

Setting one of the shoes aside, Hackett placed the other satin slipper on her foot.  Once the ribbon had been wrapped around her ankle twice, he eased her legs apart to tie the end of the ribbon to one side of the bed.  He did the same with her other foot.

“This was certainly _never_ covered in ballet class.” Irina wiggled around a little to test the strength of the silken strips around her legs. “I had _no_ idea that Admiral Hackett had such a perverse mind.”

“Not perverse, Irina.” Hackett brushed is thumb along the top of her foot.  “I’ve been thinking about this since I saw you dancing the other day.  Let me show you what I dream about.”

She intended to respond but couldn’t find the words when Hackett’s tongue flicked across the exposed skin on her foot.  Her head dropped back on a pillow that he’d moved down for her.  Her fingers dug into the mattress when his teeth lightly nipped her.

The inside of her right ankle was teased by his thumb while his lips focused on her left.  He made his way methodically up between her spread legs.  He seemed very intent on paying equal attention to both sides

His lips and tongue tasted every inch of the inside of her right leg.  His fingers touched the same expanse of flesh on her left.  He teased the inside of knees and then started to drift even higher.

Irina couldn’t recall any man making her writhe so much underneath him from such simple caresses.  She felt herself growing wetter as his touches danced along her inner thighs.  Her breasts tightened and ached for attention.

She brought her hands up only for Hackett to push them back down on the bed.  It took all of the ingrained self-control her ballet training had taught her not to move them.   She was too fascinated by his game to want to stop playing it his way, for the moment.

She thought that Hackett would finally grant her some satisfaction when his nose grazed against her pubic hairs.  He shifted over though to move back down towards her feet.  His lips were on her left leg this time, his fingers on her right.

 _“Steven._ ”

With a quiet chuckle, Hackett continued his path down the _outside_ of her legs this time.  He didn’t delve into her pussy once until his second pass up the inside of her legs.  Irina thought for certain that she’d probably already dripped a small puddle on the sheets.

He used his two index fingers to separate her labia and then bent forward to lap up the gathered moisture.  He dipped a finger into her, turning and curving it.  The man seemed intent on driving her to the brink of insanity.

She was completely convinced of it.

“More, damn you.” Irina gasped out when he withdrew his fingers. “More.”

“More fingers?” His blue eyes twinkled as he rose up so he was looking down into her face.  His fingers casually stroked her inner thighs.

“You.” She brought her hand up to rake her blunt nails across the hairs on his chest. She scratched over one of his nipples. “More of _you._ ”

Capturing her hand with his, Hackett sucked on one of her fingers.  He pressed one of his own into her again.  He licked and bit the tip of her thumb as he began to fuck her with his forefinger.  His gaze never left hers.

“Are you ready for me, Irina?” Hackett released her hand.  He pulled his finger out of her and licked her juices off of it.  She couldn’t stop the upward movement of her hips as she tried to follow his hand.  “You certainly _taste_ ready.”

Without waiting for her response, Hackett shifted over her.  His cock rested almost casually between her thighs.  She glared at him when he smiled at her frustration.  She couldn’t raise her body up because of the ribbons around her ankles.

His fingers drifted up her sides to her breasts and he finally sunk his cock deeply into her.  He paused for a moment to savor the feeling.  She gripped him by the back of the head and tugged lightly on his hair.   She wanted him to move and the bastard chuckled at her when she told him so.

Tweaking her nipple, Hackett started up a fast, hard pace.  He seemed to lose himself in it.  His fingers feathered over her breasts constantly.  They became so sensitized that she couldn’t stop her first orgasm when he bent over to suck a nipple into his mouth.  His tongue swirled around it, encouraging her.

His rhythm didn’t stop for her to come down.  Instead, he went even harder until he’d carried her over into a second climax.  It felt like hours before he finally came with her.

Hackett collapsed to the side.  It was several minutes before their breathing returned to normal.  They were both drenched with sweat as they grinned stupidly at each other, panting heavily.

Standing back up on surprisingly steady legs, Hackett unwound the ribbons and tossed the ballet slippers aside.  He lifted her up to walk into the bathroom to the large tub with her.  When he set her down on her feet, Irina dragged him into the shower stall instead.

The _actual_ shower took fifteen minutes.  They were in the bathroom for well over an hour.  It was almost ten in the morning when Irina finally sat on the edge of the bed to watch Hackett get dressed.  He wore dark denim jeans, a grey sweater and a dark brown leather jacket.

Since Hackett was already dress, Irina hopped up to do the same.  She pulled on black skinny jeans, a white dress shirt with a maroon top over it and a black suit jacket.  Hackett grabbed the sleeves of her jacket to tug her over for a kiss.

“Breakfast?”

“More like brunch,” Irina said with a smile.

The rest of the day they spent exploring New York.  Irina picked up a couple of little things for Koa and Tamara’s little girl, Noelani.  She was quiet as they headed back to Arcturus.  Hackett was as well, they both seemed to need time to process their own thoughts.

They were _Admiral_ and _Commander_ once they walked off of the ship into the sky-port.  Hackett winked at her before heading to his office to check on things.  Irina made her way slowly over to the docking bay where the _Normandy_ was.  She was surprised when she got there to find two _very_ familiar faces waiting for her.

“And _where_ exactly have you been for the last two days?” Koa crossed his arms and glared down at her.

“More importantly, who were you with and did you have any hot sex?” Corrina looped her arm around Irina’s to drag her _away_ from the airlock towards the 24-hour café nearby.

_Shit._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hackett's outfit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/72159558065/mensfashionworld-massimo-dutti-september-2013
> 
> Irina's outfit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/69505228303/the-streetstyle-cropped-via-stylescrapbook


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

“Commander Kalena, what can I do for you?” Hackett glanced up as the large marine walked into his office.

“Two things, Sir.” Koa offered a salute before folding his arms across his desk to glare down at the Admiral. “I keep Irina’s secrets for her, even the ones that she doesn’t know that I know.”

“Ok?” Hackett frowned up at him in confusion.

“Secondly, with all due respect, _Sir,_ if you hurt my friend, I will snap your neck.” Koa loomed across Hackett’s desk so they were almost nose to nose. “She’s shed a lot of tears since I’ve met her.  Cause one, and I’ll show you how talented with hand to hand combat I am.”

“Are you threatening a commanding officer, Kalena?” Hackett raised an eyebrow at the marine calmly.

“No, Sir.” He reached out to pick a stray hair from the Admiral’s shoulder. “I’m protecting my little sister. You make her want to dance again.  She’s humming; I don’t think she’s even tried to do that since she lost her ability to sing.  You keep it that way and we’re good.  This conversation never happened.”

“Duly noted.”

Koa pulled himself back and started for the door.  He paused to glance back at the Admiral with a wide grin. “She’s on Intai’sei recovering from our run through the simulations on Pinnacle Station. You should go see her.”

* * *

_From: Holt_

_To: Irina_

_Subj: Pinnacle Station_

_Admiral Ahern says that you won his retirement home. _

_How badly injured are you? _

_Never mind, I’ll get the report from the doctor myself because I know you’ll just lie. Take it easy, please?_

_Holt_

* * *

_From: Irina_

_To: Holt_

_Subj: re: Pinnacle Station_

_I’m fine._

_Barely a scratch._

_Irina_

* * *

The truth was that Doctor Chakwas had ordered her to take a week off.  She’d pulled a muscle in her back.  She chose to blame Koa who’d managed to get thrown into her at one point.  Her back was fine now, hardly hurt at all.

Brodie and Koa had been a little more _banged up_ than she had.  Her invitation to Pinnacle Station had come in between a mission to Luna and Virmire.  She’d thought about inviting Wrex and Garrus or maybe Alenko and Williams. But in the end, she trusted her recruit class more than people she’d only known for a few months.

Reclining on the couch in her _new_ home, Irina had intended to message Hackett when she felt better.  She hadn’t seen him since they came back from New York.  She didn’t want to seem… _needy._  Their only contact in the past week or so had been _official_ Alliance business.

_She missed him._

_Always a dangerous sign._

With a yawn and a careful stretch, Irina got up from the couch to check the nearby terminal.  She caught flash by the window and turned in time to see an Alliance shuttle landing outside.  She gave herself a stern lecture when she started to grin like a fool as she recognized the man getting out of it.

“House warming present.” Hackett held out a gift bag to her by way of greeting.

Irina ignored it to take him by the neck to pull him down into a kiss.  She muttered a ‘hello’ and a ‘thank you.’  Taking the bag from him, she went over to sit on the couch to see what he’d brought for her.

Of all the gifts that Hackett could’ve given her, Irina hadn’t expected a bronze replica of the ballerina statue that she’d love at the museum.  She sat with it in her lap.  Her fingers traced the graceful lines of the sculpture.

“It’s stunning.” She smiled up at him when he joined her on the couch. “Thank you.”

“Have I upset you?” Hackett twisted to the side to face her.  He covered her knee with his hand.  It felt warm and strong even through her jeans. “Did I push you too far or too soon?”

Irina tore her gaze away from the dancer to look instead at the distracting fingers that were massaging her leg. “Uhm. No?”

“Then why have you been ignoring my _non_ Alliance messages?” Hackett’s fingers tightened on her.

“I…” Irina leaned forward to place the statue on the coffee table. “I didn’t want to seem…I have a lot of one night stands for a reason.”

“Oh? Am I a one night stand?” Hackett started to caress the inside of her knee with his thumb. 

“ _No_ ,” she said sharply.  She rolled her eyes at herself and looked up at the ceiling for a moment.  She felt like a teenager with her first crush. “How’d you know I was here?”

“Commander Kalena paid me a visit on Arcturus.” Hackett smiled at her when her head snapped towards him.

“Koa? Why the…shit.” Irina had wondered how long it would take for one of her friends to figure out who she was seeing. “Sorry.”

“He cares about you a lot.” Hackett waved off her apology. “You need friends like him.”

“Everyone needs a giant, Hawaiian older brother.” Irina watched almost hypnotized by the fingers that were following the inner seam of her jeans up her thighs. “Steven?”

“Would you like some help relaxing all those _tight_ muscles?” Hackett brushed his knuckles across the crotch of her jeans as her legs seemed to drift apart of their own accord.  His fingers worked her through the thick fabric. “I’ll _soothe_ the ache away for you.”

At some point, Irina was confident that she’d have a witty retort for the smooth man that was turning her body into nothing but a point of pleasure.  It wasn’t going to be today.  Her legs fell further apart as she sank further into the couch cushions. 

He applied more pressure as he rubbed his knuckles against her.  Pushing her hands away when she tried to reach down to undo her jeans, he grinned at her whine of frustration.  Her first orgasm was a slow build that she briefly thought might make her lose her damn mind. 

In the afterglow of it, Hackett got both of them undressed.  Irina was _carefully_ sprawled over him as he lay on his back on the couch.  Her legs straddled one of his.  Her fingers caressed the back of his neck as they kissed.  He kept one hand cupped around her head while his other teased her.

His fingers drifted along the back of her legs.  He pried her gently apart so he could press his muscular thigh directly against her spread pussy.  The coarse hairs on his leg teased her as she rode his leg.  She couldn’t keep the motion up though. It pulled too much on her still sore back muscles.

“I can’t…”

“Easy, Irina.” Hackett sat up carefully to lift her gently and carry her out of the living room into the bedroom.  “Let me take care of you.”

He positioned her face first on the bed.  His fingers massaged her back firmly. He paid close attention to the tighter muscles around the base of her spine.  She slowly felt them loosening up. 

Her low sigh caused him to chuckle as his fingers drifted between the cleft of her ass.  He grazed her still moist pussy and tapped her clit with his thumbnail.  She bucked up trying to find the fingers when he moved them away.

“Steven.”

“Patience.” He placed a gentle kiss against her inner thigh. “I said that I’d take care of you.”

“Then…” Her words caught in her throat when he pressed her legs apart and his tongue feathered a slow circle around her rosebud.  He licked a tantalizingly slow trail down to her pussy. “Oh…god.”

He moved up on the bed after bringing her achingly close to a second orgasm.  He stretched out beside her.  One of his legs draped across her, his mouth sucking at the expanse of skin along her upper back.  His hand gripped her ass firmly.  His fingers ran along the crease down to lightly taunt her and then up again.

Her fingers gripped the sheet and she licked her dry lips.  It was almost impossible not to lift her hips in search of his fingers.   He kept moving them out of reach when she tried.

“You’re going to ache for me, even when I’m not around.” Hackett lifted the hair from her neck to tease the sensitive skin along her hairline. “You’re going to think about me in the middle of a firefight and get wet from the memories alone.”

 _“Steven.”_ She would’ve called him an arrogant bastard but his fingers drove into her and all she could do was beg for more.

Kneeling on the bed, Hackett pushed her legs together so his knees were straddling her.  He guided his cock into her.  It slid in with relative ease. Her body was wet and ready for him. 

She clutched desperately at the sheet as he casually drove in and out of her.  His fingers grazed along the back of her legs.  They wandered over every inch of her skin that he could reach. 

He pushed his thumb into her alongside of his cock and then brought it up to glide up to her ass.  He sunk it into her.  Irina squirmed underneath him as best she could.  He had just the tip of himself in her and she wanted more.

The fire of need bloomed in her belly as he thrust repeatedly into her. He switched from his thumb to two fingers.  Irina hadn’t felt a stretch like that before.  It sent thrilling waves of pleasure through her body. 

“I want to feel you squeezing around me.” Hackett’s voice was gruff and breathless behind her.  He’d accented each word with a hard thrust of his cock and a twisted of his fingers. “You do make the most beautiful music when you climax.”

Irina couldn’t stop the slightly mortifying whimper when Hackett pulled all the way out of her.  She was groaning a moment later as he surged forward into her.  She couldn’t hold back any longer.  She shuddered underneath him as she came.

He kept going until she’d finally finished. Pulling out of her, he stroked himself a few times and then she felt him spilling across her back.  He bent forward and grazed his lips across her back.

“I got you all dirty.” He slid his arms underneath her to lift her up off the bed. “Let me help get you _clean._ ”

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

For Irina, Virmire had been a tactical decision that ended in a fatally wrong.  She could go back for Williams or push through the geth to rescue Alenko and Major Kirrahe’s squad.  She had chosen to press forward.

She’d danced in her quarters afterward until her tears stopped and her toes bled.  She sank down on the edge of her bed and winced as she pulled off her ballet shoes.  She limped to the Med Bay to get medi-gel to fix the injuries.  The Doctor was _not_ impressed with her vague explanation of how it happened.

With that taken care of, Irina went back to her quarters to find a light flashing on her terminal.  She’d been avoiding the crew since they returned to the Citadel at Udina’s request.  Anderson had asked her to give him a few days to work on the Ambassador and the Council.

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: Intai’sei._

_I’m heading there for a few days._

_The Normandy’s locked out but Admiral Holt is giving me a lift since Ahern asked him to visit Pinnacle Station._

_Any chance that you might be in the area?_

_Irina_

* * *

Hackett intended to make his way to the Citadel after He’d seen the report on Virmire.  He knew that Irina wouldn’t handle the loss of someone under her command well.  She’d seen too much loss and it always seemed to cause her to retreat further into herself.

He received a report from Doctor Chakwas about an injury to Irina’s feet.  He wondered how long she’d thrown her emotions into dance to cause it.  He couldn’t help but think that soothing her pain wouldn’t be a simple task.

She was curled up on the couch listening to what sounded like Mozart when Hackett finally arrived.  She wore a white dress shirt that looked remarkably like one of his and a pair of grey argyle knee-high socks.  A glass of wine rested in her left hand as she stared aimlessly out the far window at the swirling dust.

“Irina?”

She offered him a sip of wine by way of response.  He took a closer look at the shirt as he moved closer to the ocuch.  It was _definitely_ one of his.  A smile flickered across her face as she saw what he was looking at .

“I borrowed it.” Her fingers traced the cuff of one of the sleeves.

“I might _borrow_ it back.” Hackett touched a finger to her chin. “The pleasure of being able to have your _scent_ around me all day would be damn near intoxicating.”

“What _are_ you doing?” Irina asked as he sat on the couch beside her.  He lifted her legs into his lap so it was easier to ease one of her socks off of her foot.  He wanted to check on the state of her toes. “Damn meddling doctor.”

Ignoring Irina’s insistence that her feet were fine, Hackett carefully inspected all of her toes.  He ran his finger gently over a small scar on the bottom of her little toe.  She wriggled in his grasp when teased the underside of her foot with a light caress that clearly tickled.

He switched from playful touches to a firmer massage.  It wasn’t long before Irina was sinking down into the cushions.  Her eyes closing slowly as he eased some of the tension from her body. 

He moved from her feet to her legs.  His fingers kneaded the taut muscles of her calves and thighs.  The hem of the dress shirt slid up to reveal a pair of silk lace underwear that were definitely _not_ Alliance issue.  His fingers toyed with the edge of the lace.

“ _Shit._ ” Irina shot up off of the couch just as his fingers started to delve underneath the fabric.

Hackett watched with a faintly confused amusement as she dashed across the room to pull on a pair of jeans and shove her feet into her boots.  She gave him a frantic look before heading towards the front door.  He glanced out the window to see an Alliance shuttle parked next to his own.

_Hmm._

_Interesting._

It shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise to him when Irina came back into the room with Admiral Holt behind her.  Holt’s eyes met Hackett’s and they narrowed almost immediately.  Hackett leaned back against the wall and shrugged at the other man with an air of disinterest.

“I was worried about leaving you alone and decided to come check on you.” Holt turned his attention to Irina. “You didn’t tell me that you were expecting a visitor.”

_“Surprise.”_

Holt frowned at Irina. “Captain Anderson just sent me a message.  He wants me to get you back to the Citadel.  He has a plan.”

“You can see yourself out, right Admiral?” Irina grabbed her bag and started herding Holt towards the door.  Hackett got the feeling that she was trying to keep the man from thinking too _hard_ about why the two of them were together. “We’ll just be going now.”

“Irina?” Holt refused to be dragged anywhere.

“Hmm?”

“Nevermind.” Holt glared one last time at Hackett and then left the room with Irina following. “We’re going to have a _very_ long conversation.”

“Fabulous.”

* * *

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: re: Holt._

_I never wanted an Alliance career so no, it’s not my career that I worried about when I didn’t tell him that we were seeing each other.  It’s your career._

_We’re heading to Ilos._

_I think I stole a ship._

_That’s not going to look good on my annual review._

_Irina_


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update, I got distracted by a new story lol. And Irina didn't want to cooperate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Hackett stared down at the galaxy map on Holt’s ship.  They were the lead ship on the search and rescue mission for the _Normandy_.  He’d been having dinner with the Admiral when the emergency hail had been received.  Neither of them had been comfortable leaving the mission in anyone else’s hands.

The two of them watched in stony silence as the escape pods were brought into the shuttle bay.  Each one opened to reveal a group of shell-shocked and in some cases, injured survivors.  _None_ of them had contained the one person that Hackett was looking for desperately.

While Holt questioned some of the surviving crew, Hackett found himself lost in his thoughts of the week that he’d spent with Irina after the battle on the Citadel.  They’d stayed at her place on Intai’sei.  She’d been injured so he’d taken care of her… _spoiled_ her. 

_It had felt right._

_He’d wanted to stay that way forever…just the two of them._

“She’s…” Holt touched a hand to Hackett’s shoulder to get his attention. “She didn’t…she’s out there somewhere.  Admiral?”

Hackett spun on his heel to head away from the Shuttle Bay.  He wouldn’t find comfort among people who didn’t even know that he had a right to grieve deeply for her. He couldn’t stand to listen to the broken voices of the survivor’s telling their stories.  He’d heard enough of Holt’s conversation with Moreau as it was.

He ordered Holt’s pilot to head to Arcturus once all survivors were on board.  The other ships could lead the _search_.  The rescue part was over.  They wouldn’t find anyone alive on the planet below.  He had no desire to see her broken body.

* * *

_From: Tamara_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: re: Hackett._

_I’m not going to be on Arcturus for a few weeks. I already told you that.  It’s why your parents are babysitting._

_You’ll just have to check on the Admiral by yourself if you’re that worried about him._

_Big baby._

_Love you,_

_Tamara_

* * *

Irina’s friends had paid him several visits over the past year.  Only Koa seemed to know the depth of his relationship with their lost friend.  The others assumed that he was merely a mentor of sorts like Holt.  They paid similar visits to Holt as well.  Their concern was sweet but misplaced and unnecessary.

_His pain had been buried beneath his Admiral mask._

Reaching forward to the frame on his desk, Hackett pressed a button on the side to reveal a photo of Irina in New York.  She was stunningly gorgeous.  It felt like his entire body ached with her loss at times.  He’d enjoyed the few days that they’d spent in the city.

It had become clear to him, way too late, that he _more_ than liked Irina. 

_Too damn late._

“Admiral?”

Hackett glanced up to find Koa Kalena standing in his office.  It was the third time that he’d seen the young officer. “Is this going to become a habit?”

“Yes…no, Sir.” Kalena hesitated before stepping forward to place of melted dogtags on the Admiral’s desk. “I thought you might want to have these.  I found them on Alchera.  We never found her body.”

Hackett wrapped his fingers slowly around the deformed metal as he stared down at the barely legible name. “Thank you.”

“It is going to become a habit, _Sir._ ”

“I beg your pardon?” Hackett’s eyes snapped back up to the tall man in front of him.

“Irina was my little sister.  I don’t think she’d have wanted me to forget that she cared about you.  So yes, we’ll keep checking up on you to make sure that you’re ok.” Kalena offered him a salute and then backed quickly out of the office before he’d been dismissed.

Hackett’s gaze turned from the dogtags to the photo on his desk with a sigh. It was time to move on. He just didn’t have the heart to force himself to do it.  He drew his shoulders up and pocketed the tags.  He had fleets to run.

_Time to bury the grief yet again._

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Irina sat with her wrists cuffed together while the group in front of her argued about if she was real.  She hadn’t anticipated Koa not believing her.  It was the fact that the scar tissue on her throat was no longer there causing her voice to return to normal.  She sounded different…to everyone because everyone who’d known her before the damaged throat was dead either on Mindoir or after.

_Except Holt._

He seemed convinced that he was hallucinating.

“Kill the bitch.” Tamara glared at her with pure venom in her words.

“Can I have a minute with Hackett alone?” Irina knew how to at least convince him that she was who she said she was.

“No.” Holt shook his head.

“Fine.” She decided to just go for it. “Steven…”

“Since when do you call him Steven?” Holt sounded like he thought it was more proof that she was a fake.

“Since we were…together…before I died.” Irina dropped her bombshell. 

All eyes went from Irina to the silent Hackett, he nodded his confirmation and the level of the tension in the room dropped completely.  Corinna gave her two thumbs up which made Irina laugh.   She was hugged by each of them, Hackett being last.  He brushed his lips against her eyebrow before crushing her into his arms.

“So what’s with the voice?” Koa’s angry glare had softened as he spoke to her.

“All of my scars are gone, that includes the ones from when I damaged my vocal cords,” Irina explained.  She shifted across the room to step between Hackett and Holt who had been moving purposefully towards the Admiral. “Greg.”

“You slept with her.” Holt took Irina by the arm and pushed her into Koa’s arms.

“I did.”

Holt reared back and slammed his fist into Hackett’s jaw. “You son of a bitch, she’s old enough to be your daughter.”

“Not quite, my dad was like ten years older than him,” Irina interrupted.  She moved closer to place a restraining hand on Holt’s arm. “How is this helping?”

“I’m not trying to help that…” Holt trailed of when Irina stepped in between him and Hackett again.

“Please?”

He eased her into his arms probably so he could glare at Hackett over her head. “It was like mourning a second daughter when you died.  I will step out of this room because you’re like my own kid and you’re alive.  I _will_ be having a _very_ long conversation with the Admiral later about his _intentions._ ”

Irina tightened her arms around him and took a few moments to regain her composure.  She’d always felt close to Holt.  He’d been a mentor and father-figure to her during and after boot camp.  She’d never really realized that he had the same level of feelings for her.  She muttered a thank you and stepped out of his embrace.  With one last glare at Hackett, he left the room with the others.

“I have a picture of you on my desk on Arcturus.  It’s from that trip to New York.” Hackett used his fingers to tuck long strands of dark hair behind her ears. “I have spent long hours staring at it with so many things that I wanted to say to you.”

“Oh?” Irina leaned into the strong hand that rested along the side of her head.

“The words can wait.” Hackett’s fingers tangled in her hair as he bent down for the kiss that _couldn’t_ wait.  She tried to meet him but his hands were holding her still.

His lips grazed against hers.  He started at the corner of her mouth, one side and then the other.  His tongue lazily traced her bottom lip. It wasn’t until her lips parted with impatient anticipation that he closed the distance.  They both sighed into the kiss as their lips and tongues met.

“That’s enough of that.” Holt’s voice boomed into the room as the door slid open yet again.

“ _Parents._ ” Irina smiled at Hackett and pressed her lips to his again. “ _Later._ ”

He nodded and turned his attention towards the others.  He took a seat on a nearby chair and pulled Irina over with him.  Holt continued to glare disapprovingly at Hackett which had Irina and her friends trying very hard to hide their laughter.

Irina sat on the arm of the chair that Hackett was sitting in. She glanced around at her friends and noticed Brodie elbow Koa. “Ok boys, what is it?”

“Your voice.”

“Yes?”

“We’ve always wondered what you sounded like…when you sang. Only Holt’s heard you.” Koa had clearly been picked to brave the topic.

She should’ve expected it really.  Hackett’s hand covered hers briefly.  She wasn’t sure if he was offering comfort or letting her know that she didn’t have to sing if she didn’t want to. 

Standing up from the chair, Irina walked over to the nearby windows.  The truth of the matter was that the first thing that she’d done when she’d been in the privacy of her quarters on the new _Normandy_ was to try her voice out.  It sounded as good as it had ever sounded.

“Irina…” Tamara stopped when Irina turned back around and held up her hand.

While everyone in the room seemed to be anxiously waiting, Irina noticed that Holt had relaxed into the armchair that he was in.  He’d leaned his head back and closed his eyes to wait for her to sing.  She remembered the last time that he’d heard in her sing.  It gave her an idea of what to pick.

She could sing Ave Marie acapella without needing to look at the lyrics.  It might’ve been years since she’d sung anything but that was a song that she’d song every day, multiple times while in school.  The silence in the room that followed the last note was… _stressful_ for her.

Hackett reached out to take her hand to lift it to his lips. “Exquisite.”

“Smooth bastard,” Holt grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song that Irina sings and her voice reference: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/76857106011/the-song-that-irina-sang-at-a-concert-on-mindoir


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

It was several hours before her friends decided to leave Irina alone with _her Admiral._ She escorted them to the door. Koa dragged her into one last bone-crushing hug and then his amused wife led him out of the house with a laugh.

Looking over her shoulder, Irina found Hackett and Holt in _serious_ conversation. She wasn’t sure that was a good thing so she walked quickly back to them. The two men glanced up at her as she approached. Holt took a step back from Hackett when she reached them.

“I’ll let you two have a little time together.” Holt looked like it took immense effort to say it. He gripped Irina firmly by the shoulder. “I am so glad that one of _my daughters_ ’ are alive.”

Irina’s eyes blurred with tears as she let herself be wrapped in yet another hug. “Me too.”

“Hurt her and I’ll ruin you.” Holt frowned one last time at Hackett and then stormed out the door.

“What was _that_ about?” Irina stared at the now closed front door.

“He wanted to know my intentions.” Hackett followed her into the living room.

“What did you tell him?” She kept herself just out of his reach. She wanted to know where they stood since two years was a long time.

“That I intended to make up for lost time.” He moved towards her.

“Oh?”

Hackett took her hand and lifted it up so he could kiss each of her knuckles one at time. “I’ve spent two years thinking of all the things that I could’ve said and I have the gift of a second chance. I’d really love to take it if you’ll let me.”

“Really?” Irina watched him continue to slowly graze his lips against different parts of her hand. “I’m…”

“Hmm?” His blue eyes twinkled as he looked up at her over her knuckles.

“Was that a question? Was _there_ a question?” She was starting to have trouble thinking as he went from kissing her fingers to sucking on one of them. “ _Steven_.”

“Yes?”

“Not yet.” She put firm fingers underneath his chin to force him to stand up straight. Her arms wound around his waist as she leaned her forehead against his chest. “You’re going to have to be patient with me again.”

She tilted her head back to give him an apologetic smile. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to fall into his arms and be _carried_ off to bed. Her mind was still spinning from everything that had happened over the last few days. She hadn’t been _awake_ for that long.

Her first stop after Freedom’s Progress had been to try to see everyone to let them know that she was alive. Irina hadn’t stopped to really consider that she was _alive._ The reverse of that was that she had tried very hard _not_ to think about the fact that she had died.

Hackett wrapped his arms around her. “You are here, alive in my arms, there’s nothing that that I need right now aside from that.”

They did eventually move to the couch, it was more comfortable than standing indefinitely. Irina let him hold her. There was a comfortable silence between the two of them. It let her mind slowly stop racing while she thought that perhaps it let him convince himself that she was really there.

There were long kisses by the front door when Irina finally insisted on heading back to the new _Normandy_. She didn’t want to risk anyone from the Cerberus crew coming down to find them together. The Illusive Man would use it against her…or worse, Hackett. She had a difficult balance that she was going to have to make work until she was finished with the Collectors.

“Irina?”

She paused by the shuttle to watch Hackett walk across from his Kodiak. “What is it?”

He lifted his hand to cup her cheek. His thumb stroked her skin gently as his blue eyes searched hers for a moment. “I love you.”

“Steven.”

“No.” He pressed her lips closed with his thumb. “I’ve said it to your memorial for the last two years. It hurt more than I can adequately…if I never got another chance, I had to let you know. I _love_ you.”

The exasperating man didn’t wait for her to respond. He brushed a light kiss against the top of her head and spun on his heel. He didn’t once look back as he got into his shuttle. She was still staring at the empty spot several minutes later.

_He loved her._

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

After picking up Zaeed, Garrus and Mordin on Omega, Irina had Joker head towards Alchera. They made one stop to retrieve information for Cerberus. She forwarded it to Hackett much to Miranda’s annoyance. Irina smiled _sweetly_ and told her that she had no idea what she was talking about.

_Fool them with kindness and sweetness._

It was something that her mother had always told her. Irina had the feeling that it was the only thing that would keep her sane while she worked _with_ Cerberus. She also spent most of her time with Garrus, Joker and Doctor Chakwas. They didn’t look at her like she had three heads like the rest of the crew.

Massani was the one anomaly for her. She had a feeling that there was more to his request to visit the refinery. He didn’t see the type to want to _save_ the workers there. It was likely more personal than that. Until she understood his motivation, it was probably best to steer clear of him.

Alchera was worse than Irina thought it would be when the debris field finally came into view. The memorial ended up fitting perfectly next to a makeshift one that someone had erected for her. She recognized some of the imagery on it as Samoan which meant that Koa had been there at some point.

Sitting next to the memorial after finding all of the dogtags, Irina said a prayer for each of the lost crew members. They might not have really bonded together under her command but they were still good marines that she missed. She wondered about their families…and about her own.

The entire planet was far too silent. Irina hated the silence more than anything. It reminded her too much of the graves on Mindoir. She really wished that she could stop thinking about death in general and her own specifically. It was morbid in the extreme.

* * *

 

_From: Irina_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: Alchera._

_I saw what you left near the galaxy map. Thanks, big guy. It was beautiful._

_How’s the wife and kid?_

_Irina_

* * *

 

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Amada System_

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_IS: Are you up?_

_SH: Amada? You placed the memorial._

_IS: I did._

_SH: How was it? I’ve never been able to bring myself to walk the debris field._

_IS: Quiet._

_SH: I imagine it would be._

_IS: It reminded me of Mindoir, after the screaming stopped._

_SH: Ahh._

_IS: I’m heading to the Citadel next. Anderson wants me to speak to the Council._

_SH: How long will you be there?_

_IS: A few days._

_SH: Have dinner with me?_

_IS: I’d love to._

_SH: Irina._

_IS: Wouldn’t you love to have dinner with me? It would be lovely._

_SH: Irina._

_IS: Do you know what else I love?_

_IS: You. Sleep well._

_User has disconnected._

* * *

 

The following morning, Irina received a very confusing message from Holt asking if she had ‘lost her damn mind.’ She had no idea what he was talking about. She sent him a response but he refused to clarify.

Since Hackett had wanted to take her out to a fancier sort of restaurant, Irina opted to wear a cute, black lace strapless dress with matching heels. She was glad that she had when he met her outside the place wearing a simple dark grey suit. He looked incredibly handsome.

“Exquisite, as always.” Hackett took her hand to lift it up so he could brush his lips against her knuckles. He slid his fingers down her arm to hold her elbow lightly as he escorted her inside and over to their private table in the back of the restaurant.

“Do you have any idea why Holt thinks I’ve lost my mind?” Irina asked once they were seated.

Hackett’s blue eyes were _way_ too innocent when he looked up at her. “I have no idea.”

 _“Right.”_ Her eyes narrowed on him. “Steven?”

“Holt is a man of strange words.” He turned his attention to the menu and refused to answer further.

She enjoyed their meal together, even if Hackett evaded her questions. She ducked into the restroom before dessert arrived to send a quick message to Holt insisting that he tell her what the hell he had been talking about. Her message turned out to be unnecessary since he’d already sent her a second one asking if, ‘congratulations were in order.’

_Congratulations?_

_Why would…oh…god._

Irina made her way determinedly across the restaurant. She disregarded the confused look on Hackett’s face as she stepped around the table to his chair. She bent down to rummage through both the pockets in his suit jacket and his trousers.

“Are we looking for something? It’s a little more to the left and center.” Hackett leaned back in his chair casually. He sipped from his wine glass and patiently waited for her to finish her inspection. “I’m not going commando if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Steven.”

“Hmm?”

“Why would Holt ask me if congratulations were in order?” Irina watched his face carefully and noticed the tightening around his mouth. She started to move back to sit in her own chair when his fingers captured her hand. “I don’t…”

“You basically rose from the dead not that long ago.” He pulled her down so she was sitting on his knee. His arm went around her waist. “You aren’t ready for me to answer that question and I don’t want to push you. Let it happen when it’s supposed to.”

“Do you want to know what _my_ answer is anyway?” She asked quietly.

“No.” Hackett kissed her bare shoulder. “You’ll say yes.”

“Oh?”

“You _love_ me, remember?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irina's Outfit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/78489386804
> 
> Hackett's outfit: http://pixelatrix.tumblr.com/post/78489661603/british-lord-the-old-high-british-aristocracy


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Corinna_

_To: Tamara_

_Subj: re: Irina_

_Did Koa actually hear that Hackett was going to propose or that he already proposed?_

_We need a plan. A good plan. One that Irina won’t argue with. She doesn’t have time to plan the kind of wedding that she deserves. If they set a date out a year, it gives us time to plan and her time to finish up with Cerberus and whoever is taking the colonists._

_How do we find out if he actually proposed?_

_Corinna_

_P.S. Do you think Koa’s family would let us use their place? They have that beautiful garden that overlooks the ocean. It would be perfect for the ceremony._

* * *

 

_From: Tamara_

_To: Corinna_

_Subj: re: Irina._

_No, he didn’t._

_We don’t._

_Yes, they will._

_We, and by we, I mean you, are going to wait to spring this on Irina until we know for certain that she has a shiny new ring on her finger._

_Tamara_

_P.S. We could message Hackett directly. I vote you do it._

* * *

 

As Irina finished up with recruiting Jack, she decided that something was _definitely_ going on. Her friends were acting beyond abnormal, even for them. Corinna had asked bizarre questions that made no sense. She’d chosen to ignore the message entirely.

 _Something weird was definitely going on_.

None of them would answer _her_ questions; Irina assumed that it had something to do with Hackett and his as yet unasked question. She told Joker to stop over at the Citadel before they went to pick up the Krogan Warlord. She had a feeling that Okeer wasn’t going to be as friendly as Wrex.

When a message from Anderson came in, Irina diverted from talking with Bailey to the embassy. She arrived to find that the councilor wasn’t there but found a pair of dancers in his place. The two ballerinas started to move the moment that she stepped inside the office. She recognized the movement from one of the more romantic ballets.

The male dancer took Irina by the arm and led her out of the embassy to a waiting skycar. He drove them to an apartment building in one of the ritzy wards on the Citadel.   She was impressed by the way that he literally danced her all the way to someone’s front door. He touched the buzzer and a moment later it slid open. The strains of part of Swan Lake being played on a piano filtered through the room.

Irina hesitantly walked into the room to find Hackett in his dress blues down on one knee with a small open box held in one outstretched hand. His eyes tracked her movements as she slowly moved over to stand in front of him. Her vision blurred with tears when he took her hand in his and brought it up to his lips.

“You danced your way into my heart and I have _never_ been the same.” Hackett’s fingers gripped hers tightly. She felt his hand tremble briefly and he squeezed her hand a little harder. “You were gone before I could tell you how much I loved you. I stood over your grave with this ring in my pocket and cursed my own stupidity for waiting for the _perfect_ moment. There is no perfect. But there is _now_. I don’t ever want to make that mistake again. Marry me? We can have a long engagement so that you’re free to truly enjoy the wedding and what comes after. The ring though, the ring and the love behind it can’t wait another damn minute.”

_Holy. Shit._

“I…”

“Please say yes.” He pulled the ring out of the box and paused with it near her finger.

Irina wiped impatiently at the tears in her eyes with the back of her free hand. She took a shuddering breath to compose herself. “Yes. Of course, yes.”

The ring fit her hand perfectly. Hackett wasn’t the type of man to leave anything to chance. She wondered how he’d gotten her hand sized. It was unique and stunning. It looked almost like a crown with a quartet of diamonds clustered above a larger pear shaped stone. The band itself was inlaid with a row of tiny little diamonds as well.

After kissing her hand again, Hackett stood up to pull her into his arms. He murmured against her ear as he held her close. She was too lost in thoughts to hear the whispered words of adoration and love. She rested her cheek against the front of his uniform and felt his chin on the top of her head a moment later.

“I love you.”

“I hope so. You do realize that my crazy friends will want to plan this wedding.” Irina found herself being lifted up off of her feet and walked over to the couch. He sat down with her ensconced in his lap. Her fingers traced the lines of his face as she searched his eyes. “I love you too.”

* * *

 

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: Question._

_I promised to let Corinna and Tamara handle most of the wedding plans, though I get final veto on anything that I don’t like. We’ve decided to set the date out next year at some point, probably in early Autumn. It gives me over a year to handle Cerberus._

_I had a few things that I intend to take care of myself though, and this is one of them._

_Will you walk me down the aisle? I can’t imagine anyone better suited to give me away._

_Thank you for giving your blessing when he asked, and for not punching him, I’m sure it was tempting._

_Irina_

* * *

 

_From: Greg Holt_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Question._

_I would be honored._

_If he breaks your heart, I’ll hold him down so the Kalena boys can pummel him._

_Are you happy about this? That’s all that matters to me._

_Greg_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Irina's Ring: http://josieandjackie.tumblr.com/post/77291543359/tiara-pear-ring-by-trumpet-horn


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: Congratulations._

_It’s a Krogan._

_So…the Illusive Man apparently believes that I can beat the collectors with a scientist, a mercenary, a thief, a deranged biotic, a baby Krogan and a handful of Cerberus operatives that I don’t trust._

_I trust Garrus._

_If all of the ‘dossiers’ that he has for me involve equally strange individuals, I might need a plan b, c and d._

_Anderson was all…weird about Alenko. Is there a reason for that? I’m on my way to Horizon._

_Love you._

_Irina_

* * *

 

Irina sat in the Med Bay after the debacle on Horizon. She stared down at the beautiful engagement ring on her finger. Hackett had warned her that Alenko might be on Horizon. He hadn’t wanted to _lie_ to his fiancée.

She felt hurt by Alenko’s behaviour though she could understand it on some level. It made it all the more obvious that her time with Cerberus needed to be as limited as she could make it. She briefly considered stopping on the Citadel but told Joker to head for Illium.

“You are _very_ quiet, Commander,” Kelly remarked absently. She’d been trying to draw Irina from the moment that she stepped foot on the _Normandy._ “I understand that you have a beautiful voice. You wanted to be a classical singer?”

Irina tensed at the slight questioning tilt to her statement. “My life _before_ is not your business or concern. I’d prefer that you focus your attention on reading my messages and making sure the crew is mentally prepared for the Collectors.”

“I would never…”

She raised an eyebrow at the woman. “I’ll be in my quarters.”

The elevator ride up to the first deck felt like a lifetime. Irina had tried desperately to avoid thinking about the fact that her ruined voice was healed. There was something maddening about having back what she’d thrown away but not being able to use it. She might not be Alliance anymore, but Cerberus had its hooks in her.

* * *

 

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Crescent Nebula_

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_I: Holt?_

_G: Do I get to kick Admiral ass?_

_I: No._

_G: How disappointing._

_I: Holt._

_G: Let me hold on to the dream._

_I: I don’t want this._

_G: You don’t want what?_

_I: The pressure. The uniform. The weapons. I never did. I only the joined the Alliance because I didn’t have any options._

_G: And now?_

_I: I have no options, but my voice is back. I could sing…I could…but I can’t. I’m stuck on a ship filled with people that I can’t trust. I know my messages are read. I’m half convinced that there’s a camera in my quarters._

_G: It’s only temporary. Isn’t that what you said?_

_I: And when I’m done with the Collectors? It’ll be the reapers, or something else. The Alliance will want me back, or want to throw me in the brig for working with Cerberus. I want the freedom of flying through a song or flying on my feet in dance._

_G: I’m sorry, Irina._

_I: Me too._

_G: There’s a performance by the Paris Opera Ballet that I’m getting tickets for. Would you like to go with me?_

_I: No._

_G: Irina._

_I: I can’t. I have to finish this thing with Cerberus before I lose my mind._

_G: I think you need to take a break._

_I: I don’t have time and you can’t order me to take one anymore._

_G: I can try._

_I: Have a good evening._

_User has disconnected._

* * *

 

_From: Greg Holt_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: Irina._

_As loathe as I am to do this, the girl is as close to breaking as I’ve seen her. She needs a break. She’s pushing so hard to get away from Cerberus that I’m worried that the cost will be too much._

_You are supposed to be her fiancé. Perhaps you should try to talk to her. She didn’t really feel the need to listen to me. I believe she’s heading to Illium._

_Greg_

* * *

 

“It’s a beautiful evening.”

Irina started at the familiar voice. She turned her head to the side to see Hackett step up beside her. They looked over the Illium skyline together. “Holt?”

“He was worried.” He moved over to stand behind her with his arms going around her waist. Irina rested her arms on top of his. “ _I’m_ worried.”

“I’m…” Irina twisted around and looked up to meet his concerned blue eyes. “I am _tired._ ”

“Come out with me.” Hackett brushed his thumb across her cheek.

“I have to help one of my squad find her sister.” Irina had already recruited the Justicar Samara as well as Thane Krios. She wanted to wrap up on Illium so she could help Liara and then move on to finding Tali. “I don’t have time for a date.”

“No time for your future husband?” His thumb wandered down to graze against her lips. “Let me take you dancing.”

“ _Steven_.”

“Please?”

“I…can’t.” Irina’s refusal was weak.

“I think you can.” His hand rubbed along her neck with his thumb grazing the underside of her jaw. “I think that you should. I’ve missed you. Arcturus is _very_ lonely. I could get on my knees and beg if you like.”

“Steven.”

“Irina.” He smiled at her. It was the playful smile that he kept for her. She felt her resolve melting away at the way his eyes lit up. He gripped her hip and tugged her against him. “I’ve got the penthouse suite of one of the nearby hotels. It has a hot tub. We’ll have dinner brought up to the room. First though, I found a professional dance studio that was surprisingly willing to let me book the entire place for the day. Dance for me. I want to watch you move. And then, later, I plan on licking every inch of your body.”

“I…”

He bent down to trace the outside of her ear with his tongue. “Every single, beautiful inch of your skin. You should say yes now.”

“Yes.” Irina found him impossible to resist. “Yes.”

“ _Good._ ” He used the hand on her hip to lead her away from the viewing deck. “I thought I would have to get _truly_ persuasive.”

“I love you.” She leaned into him as they walked towards the closest skycar terminal. “I cannot believe that Holt voluntarily messaged you of all people.”

“We have something in common.” He helped her into the vehicle and kissed her nose before moving to the other side. “We both love you and want you to be happy and healthy.”

It wasn’t until they arrived in the dance studio that Irina realized she didn’t have any of her shoes. She glanced back when Hackett cleared his throat. He held up a small garment bag that he handed to her. It held the tights and t-shirt that she preferred to wear along with her favorite pair of ballet slippers. They had been on Arcturus in a locker before she died.

“How…”

“I abused my authority and instead of your things being destroyed, I kept them all.” He sat down on a long bench that ran along one of the walls. “There’s no one around, no security cameras. Change for me.”

“Here?” Irina turned her head to the side to hide the silly blush.

“Here.”

“Help me unzip?” Irina walked over to set the bag on the bench beside him. She turned around for him to help her out of the tight silk blouse that she wore. “ _Just_ unzip.”

“Do you honestly believe that I could resist at least… _touching_ you?” Hackett finished undoing her and then let his fingers explore her back. He bent forward to touch his lips to her shoulder as his hands eased the shirt off of her. He reached around her to start to unbutton her jeans. “Let’s get you out of these.”

Irina felt as if she were in a fog. Hackett’s hands moved over her. His fingers touched and teased various parts of her as he removed everything but her undergarments. He helped her put on her black tights, and t-shirt. He eased the ballet slippers onto her feet and wound the ribbons around her ankles and tied them off the way that she liked to do usually.

“Dance.” He winked at her as he made his way over to pick the music for her.

Pausing to stretch out her muscles a little, Irina formulated a plan. She waited until Hackett’s back was turned and tossed her t-shirt and bra to the side. His eyes widened when he caught sight of her starting to move around the room. Her nipples hardened partly from the cool air in the room but mostly from the intense gaze of the man enjoying the view.

With a soft smile, Irina lost herself in the music. She caught brief glimpses of Hackett as she spun and floated across the floor. He’d pulled his cock out at some point and was slowly gliding his hand along it. She drifted closer to him.

His hand shot out to grab the edge of her arm as she started to gracefully raise it in time with her movements. Hackett moved to his feet and guided her across the room to the balance bar that ran along the mirrored wall. He used a gentle hand on her back to bend her over. Her fingers wrapped around the rail for support.

Her head fell forward when Hackett dragged her tights down. His fingers slid up the inside of her thighs to graze along her pussy. His other hand tangled in her hair to pull her head up gently. He brushed his lips against her ass as he murmured for her to _watch_.

 _“Steven.”_ Her voice came out in a low moan when he spread her apart to run his tongue in a slow tease. “What…”

“Giving you something to think about in the long, lonely nights on that ship.” He punctuated each word with a thrust of his tongue. “I have two days to fill your mind and senses. I plan on using every single minute effectively.”

“Oh…god.” She groaned when he switched his tongue for a thick finger. Her head dropped against only for him to force it up again. “Damn it.”

“I said _watch_.” He stood up behind her to rub his cock against her behind. He thrust between her thighs a few times; each movement dragged it temptingly close to her pussy. “Tell me what you want.”

_“Steven.”_

“That would be _who_ not what.” Hackett withdrew from between her legs. His hand on her shoulders kept her bent over.

“You. Damn it.”

“Close enough.” Hackett shoved into her with a hard driving stroke.

His arm went around her waist when her feet slipped. Hackett lifted her up to place her on her hands and knees on the floor. His firm grip on her hair forced her to meet his gaze in the mirror. He picked a frenzied pace that shifted her forward and caused their sounds to echo loudly over the music.

“I want to feel you, Irina.” He maneuvered her up so her back pressed against his chest.

She watched their reflections. Hackett’s smile when he tugged on her hair did her in. Her eyes started to close with the impending climax. He pulled harder until she opened them again. They came together with their eyes locked on each other.

She frowned down at Hackett when he eased her underwear back up. “I need to clean up before we go _anywhere._ ”

“No.” He reached out to snag her jeans from the bench and lifted her foot up to dress her. “I want to know that you can still feel me in you while we have dinner.”

“ _Steven.”_

His hand rested over her now denim covered pussy. He fingers squeezed against her still sensitive body. “Are you still full? Still damp? Still throbbing for more?”

“I will not dignify that with a response.” She tried to glare at him but it was hard when her legs had spread of their own accord to move against his hand.

“You already have my beautiful dancer.”

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not my best chapter ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Irina pretended to sleep while held by Hackett. He was stretched out under the covers next to her. The tension between her eyebrows gave her away though. Unable to take it any longer, he reached up to lightly massage her tense brow with his thumb.

A moment passed before her eyes finally opened. Irina looked momentarily bereft and then the calm mask drifted over her face. She was up off the bed before Hackett could say or do anything.

He pulled on a pair of boxers and reached out for his shirt only to find it missing. In the living room attached to the hotel suite, he found where it went. Irina had apparently thrown it on with her underwear.

She had her headphones in as she lost herself in whatever music she was listening to. He would’ve been tempted to believe she was enjoying herself except for the stress that showed through the cracks of her façade. He wished that he had a solution for her _Cerberus_ problem.

“Let’s get married.”

Irina pulled the headphones from her ears. “Married? The wedding is in months, and months, and months. I believe that married is part of the whole concept.”

“Exactly.”

“I _am_ confused.” Irina skillfully danced away from his hand when he reached out of her.

“What if we still have the big wedding in months, and months and months, but we get married now and keep it a secret?” Hackett captured her wrist to stop her constant twirling. “Maybe it will help you remember that you aren’t adrift alone. I’m here. No matter what happens with Cerberus and after, I’m here.”

“But…we can’t…”

“Why not?”

“Holt might kill you. I’d really prefer not to collect widow benefits so soon.” Irina sounded only have teasing. She had a point. Holt wouldn’t want to miss out on ‘his surrogate’ daughter’s wedding, whether it was the eloped version or the grand version later. “I could message him?”

“He never has to know, Irina.” Hackett let her dance out of his arms. He enjoyed watching her too much not to. “He can still walk you down the aisle. Let’s do this for us, just the two of us. There are several places on Illium that cater to _impromptu_ marriages.”

“Impulsive, you mean?” Irina leaned against the nearby while as she looked thoughtfully over at him. “Why now? Why the rush?”

“It’s not a rush when it’s all I’ve been thinking about for three years.” Hackett stopped her question before she could ask it. “Just because you weren’t alive, didn’t mean that I didn’t think about my ring being on your damn finger every damn night.”

“You are criminally smooth.”

* * *

 

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: So…_

_…about the whole wedding thing._

_Steven has decided we should elope now, not tell anyone and then have the whole wedding thing as planned later._

_We’re on Illium._

_I don’t mind it._

_I’d just….like you to be here, you’re the closest thing to a parent that I have._

_Any chance you can be on Illium tomorrow?_

_Irina_

* * *

 

“Irina?” Hackett glanced from his _almost_ wife to the man who had just walked into Liara’s office where they’d decided to get married. Liara had easily found someone willing and authorized to perform the quick ceremony. “How exactly did Holt find out about our _elopement?_ ”

“I messaged him.” Irina placed her hands on his forearms. “He would’ve been incredibly hurt if we hadn’t told him.”

“How would he have known?”

“He’s a parent. They always know.” Irina leaned up to press her lips gently to his. “Forgive me?”

“Of course.” Hackett had no intentions of ruining the beautiful moment by getting annoyed at something that he could completely understand. “I already understood that marrying you meant that Holt and your friends…”

“Steven?” Irina rested her hand on his check, concern evident in her eyes when he suddenly stopped speaking.

“We can’t do this.”

“Can’t do what?” Irina started to pull back but Hackett slid his arm around her waist to hold her to him.

He was aware of Holt’s eyes on him so he bent forward to murmur in her ear. “I want you to have the grand wedding, with all your friends and everything that you dreamed about. I feel like this is going to rob you of it.”

“Steven.”

He reached down to tilt her chin up with his thumb running along the underside of her jaw. “I _love_ you. Do you _understand_ that I’m here for you?”

“Of course.”

“Then we wait.” Hackett winked at her. “Besides, I think Holt is less likely to attempt to remove my head from my neck.”

“ _Steven_.”

“What do you want to do? I’ll leave it up to you.” He felt like he’d pressured into something again. It wasn’t a way to start married life. He ran his fingers vigorously through his hair. “What _do_ you want, Irina?”

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

“Irina?”

Hackett found her sitting at a table outside of Liara’s office. He rested his hands on her shoulders to massage the tension from her. She tilted her head so she could look up at him with her head leaning against his shirt. He asked her if she wanted to have lunch with Holt.

“I _love_ you.” Irina turned to light graze her lips against his hand. “I want to wait for the wedding. I…”

“You deserve the dress, the dancing, the service and everything else.” He ran his fingers along her neck. “I want you by my side, I don’t mind waiting.”

Standing up, Irina let Hackett guide her into his arms. She realized how lonely she had been feeling on the _Normandy_. Her closest friends in the Alliance were at arm’s length. The crew that she trusted on her ship, she couldn’t speak to because of worries that EDI was recording everything.

She couldn’t afford to run herself into exhaustion. The Collectors wouldn’t be beaten by a Commander who couldn’t keep her eyes open for lack of sleep. She brought her hand up to rest on his chest while staring at her engagement ring.

“Dance with me?” She asked softly.

“Dance?”

Hackett didn’t give her a chance to ask again. He slid his arm around her waist and captured her hand in his to start to lead her around the small empty space by the stairs that went up to Liara’s office. It felt like they were in a world of their own.

“Do you mind waiting?” Irina’s question was slightly muffled by the fact Hackett had a hand on her head, holding her tightly against his chest.

“I’ve been waiting for two years, a few more months doesn’t make a difference.” He dipped her low and paused to wink at her before lifting her up.

“I was dead, Steven.”

He paused mid-step to ease her back enough that his serious blue eyes captured hers with their intensity. “You _are_ irreplaceable Irina, completely and totally irreplaceable. No one other than you would receive the ring I placed on your finger. It was always going to be yours, whether I gave it to you in this life or in the afterlife.”

“ _Steven._ ”

“Hush.” His lips covered hers to stop what she’d been about to say. “I love you. I don’t mind waiting.”

Lunch with Holt was… _awkward_. He spent most of his time frowning at Hackett. Irina felt more on edge from lunch than she had about Cerberus. _Almost_. She decided to say her goodbyes to her fiancé and to Hackett right after the meal was finished.

“Welcome back, Commander.” Kelly greeted her the moment that she stepped up to her terminal by the galaxy map. “The Illusive Man would like a word with you.”

“He can wait.” Irina set a course for Tuchanka. “It’s time to go see an old friend.”

Once Irina had wrapped up curing her teenage Krogan troubles and helped Mordin rescue his assistant, she finally _answered_ the hail from the head of Cerberus. He wanted her to check out a disabled collector vessel. His tone immediately set her on edge.

She quickly learned why as Joker and EDI discovered which ship it was and they discovered that it wasn’t _quite_ as disabled as they thought. Thane and Garrus agreed with her assessment that Cerberus needed to be kept in check.

* * *

 

_From: Tamara_

_To: Koa; Corinna; Brodie_

_Subj: re: Irina & Cerberus._

_The visit with Hackett helped._

_She’s not talking but something happened to her this week. She’s angry, actually angry. Irina doesn’t do rage like this. She normally dances the emotion out and is back to her calm, sweet self._

_I heard from a friend that a young autistic boy was recently brought Grissom Academy from a Cerberus facility that was destroyed. I’m wondering if it’s connected._

_How do we help her without her knowing since you know she won’t want us getting involved with Cerberus?_

_Tamara_

* * *

 

_From: Brodie_

_To: Tamara; Koa; Corinna_

_Subj: re: Cerberus._

_Don’t worry your pretty little heads about it._

_I have it all under control._

_I’ve been working on a packet of data that Irina forwarded to me and Alliance command. I’ve finally broken the decryption on the first parts of it. It’s big. _

_I spoke with Admiral Hackett. He’s suggested that we accidentally leak a very small portion of the data. It should be enough to keep the Illusive Man occupied with the PR nightmare it will create for him._

_What? Don’t look at me like that; I’m more than just a hot ass and a handsome face._

_Brodie_

* * *

 

_From: Irina_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: Cerberus._

_Who did it?_

_And what did they do?_

_I know someone did something._

_There’s stuff all over ANN about Cerberus, and the Illusive Man has been pleasantly distracted by it. I’m not completely naïve. Someone had to have done something to cause it._

_Who was it?_

_I am prepared to use all of the persuasive powers that I have as an adopted little sister, including telling your mother._

_Irina_

* * *

 

_From: Koa_

_To: Irina_

_Subj: re: Cereberus._

_Low blow, lil sis, low blow._

_You should be directing your fire at Brodie, who isn’t as stupid as we all assumed, and your precious fiancé._

_It was done out of love and concern._

_Please don’t tell my mother. She’s still upset at me for not giving her a second grandchild._

_Koa_


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Koa_

_To: Irina_

_Subj: Cyrene._

_It was a small colony on a moon near Idmon.  It’s not an important place, lil sis.  
_

_But it is now._

_The Collector’s attacked it last night. Everyone is gone. I went there myself.  I…Corrina invited Tamara and our little girl to visit her cousin who was in charge of the colony. They…I found her wedding ring, that was it._

_They’re gone._

_Not that you need motivation, but you stop those bastards for me._

_I’m going home for a few days._

_Koa_

* * *

 

Irina glanced over at the photo from graduation that sat on her desk by the terminal. The _Normandy_ was on its way to retrieve the Reaper IFF. She had wrapped up every single mission aside from that last one in the course of a week. Now she felt completely lost.

_How the hell could she do anything for Koa?_

The truth was that from her current position, not a damn thing. Irina could honor his request to stop the Collectors. She was suiting up her armor when a vid-chat hail came in. _Hackett._ She headed out of her quarters towards the elevator. He was going to have to wait.

Twenty-four hours later, Irina sat in the crew mess on her almost entirely empty ship. They’d been helping Legion with the _heretics_ when the _Normandy_ had been attacked. She arrived back with her squad to find Joker the only person on board.

The Illusive Man wished her luck and she barely restrained her desire to tell him what to do with his luck.   They had a plan made. Joker was heading for the Omega-4 Relay. They’d make the actual jump in three hours. She couldn’t stand the flashing light on her terminal so she’d avoided her quarters.

She glanced over at the empty Med Bay then down at her omni-tool.

_Stop being a coward._

“Irina?” Hackett popped up on the vid-chat on her omni-tool within seconds of her sending the request. “What’s wrong? It’s not like you to ignore me for days.”

“I’m heading through the Omega-4 Relay in a few hours.” Irina turned her eyes to the ring on her finger. “We…I lost my crew. The collector’s attacked the _Normandy._ I have to try to stop Collectors, to try to save anyone I can.”

“You come back to me, Irina,” Hackett ordered. “I will _not_ lose you again.”

“I love you.” She disconnected before he could respond.

* * *

 

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Omega-4 Relay._

_I think my heart stopped beating until I heard that you had made it through safely. I know the Normandy needs repairs. Head to the Citadel dry-dock._

_I can get a hotel room for the two of us. You need some real rest. It will also let the techs make sure all the nasty monitoring devices are really gone from the ship._

_I love you._

_Steven_

* * *

 

_From: Brodie_

_To: Irina_

_Subj: re: Koa._

_He’s gone home to spend some time at his parent’s place._

_A wise idea, he wasn’t looking all that well. I’m thinking about going to visit him in a couple of weeks. I don’t know if you’ve thought about it, but I don’t know if the whole big wedding thing is a good idea right now._

_Brodie_

* * *

 

The following morning, Irina woke to soft kisses moving along her neck and the smell of fresh coffee. Hackett led her from the bed to the eating area of their hotel room. He pulled her chair out for her and served her breakfast.

Irina shifted her chair around the small table in their hotel room. She blocked Hackett’s hand with a piece of toast when he reached out to touch her lips again. “I would like to actually _eat_ food, Steven.”

He grabbed the back of her chair to drag it back over. He took the toast from her and held it up to her mouth. “I can help.”

With a _delicate_ sigh, Irina reached down for the spoon resting in her yoghurt.  She flicked it at him before he realized what she was doing.  She smothered her laughter with her hand at the sight of _Admiral Hackett_ with fruit and yoghurt dripping down his nose.

"I will eat my toast, on my own. You will eat your omelet, on your own." Irina took a sip of coffee.

“ _Irina._ ”

"Yes?" She paused while buttering a new, uncrushed piece of toast.

"How long have you been waiting to do that?" He asked while wiping his face.

"A very long time." She set her cup down and reached out to take his hand. “Remember when we talked about eloping?”

_“Yes.”_

“I don’t…Koa’s not in any sort of place for me to have a wedding at his parent’s place. I know Corrina and Tamara hadn’t planned much yet. I just…I think…” Irina pushed away from the table. She did a few pirouettes as she tried to organize her thoughts. “I want to message Holt. We can find somewhere on Earth to marry, somewhere in Buenos Aires maybe? A little chapel or something, Brodie and Koa can come if they like.”

“Irina.”

“No, I don’t want to wait. What if we die while we’re waiting? I don’t want to die again as a _Shepard._ ” Irina dodged his hand when he reached for her and continued to dance away from him with a smile. “Please?”

* * *

 

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: Wedding._

_Can you meet me on the Citadel?_

_I really need to talk to you in person._

_Irina_

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Irina_

_To: Koa_

_Subj: re: Thank you._

_The Collectors won’t hurt anyone else. I blew their base to tiny pieces just for you. I’m so sorry…so sorry. I wish I had found them for you._

_Don’t worry about the wedding._

_A big party wouldn’t be the same without them._

_Take care of yourself._

_Irina_

* * *

 

“Who is your priority? Irina or your friend? You’re about to marry Irina. I would hope you’d have better judgment than to send her almost immediately into a batarian camp on her own without back-up.” Holt raised an eyebrow at Hackett. “That’s a hell of a honeymoon for the woman you claim to love.”

The two men had been arguing for the past hour. Hackett had received a message from an old friend of his, Amanda Kenson. Holt was acquainted with the woman as well. He had been contemplating having Irina rescue her from the batarians. Irina wasn’t _technically_ an Alliance officer at the moment so it would be easy for her to sneak in and out without causing an inter-species incident.

“How many active duty marines with training in infiltration are available _right_ now?” Holt asked pointedly.

“I see your point, _Admiral_.” Hackett felt like grinding his teeth. He refused to show his annoyance to Holt who would likely find it amusing. “Irina will be back shortly if you want to spend some time with her.”

Holt smiled grimly at him. “I’m here to speak to you.”

“We’ve been _speaking_ for an hour, Greg. I have things to do.” Hackett squared his shoulders and reminded himself that of the two men in the room he had the higher rank. “How about we cut the bullshit and you tell me what it is you think I need to hear?”

“Treat her right. Put her first.” Holt closed the distance between them. “Don’t _ever_ forget she deserves _better_ than a man like you.”

“Anything else?”

“I’ll put a gun in your mouth and pull the trigger if you hurt her.” Holt reached up to straighten Hackett’s collar.

Deciding it was time Holt realized he wasn’t some wet behind the ears kid in boot camp, Hackett got an arm around him and swept him off his feet. They grappled on the floor for a few minutes before Hackett was able to restrain Holt.

“Now I’ve put up with your shit because I know you care deeply about Irina, but I think you’ve forgotten that I outrank you.” Hackett pressed his knee harder into Holt’s back. “I’m not one of the punks just off the shuttle in boot camp. I’m a damn Admiral, and you might not like her choice, but you will respect me.”

“What in the…what are you two doing?” Irina hesitated as she walked into the room with a garment bag in one hand. “Have you lost your minds? Get off of the floor.”

“Irina.” Holt shoved Hackett away from him and moved towards her.

“What did you say to my fiancé to upset him?” She gave Holt a knowing look that clearly said she wouldn’t believe ‘nothing.’

“We…”

“I’m actually not interested in a fabricated story. I heard everything.” Irina lifted bag in her hands as she spoke to Holt. “I have a beautiful dress in here. I plan to marry the man you were treating so disrespectfully a few moments ago. I love him. He’s a good man. And if you ever lay a hand on him, it won’t be _your_ gun that is the issue.”

“Irina.”

“No, I want this to be a happy day. I want you to be there _with_ me because my parents can’t be. If you’re just going to prod at Steven until he has to react then I think you should head back to Earth.” Irina strode past Holt to stand beside Hackett. She leaned into his embrace when he wrapped his arm around her. “I _love_ him.”

“All right, all right.” Holt held his hands up in surrender. “I’ll still break him if he hurts you.”

“I’ll tell you what I told Brodie after he and Koa got into it again. I won’t bail you out of the brig.” Irina shook her head. “Are you here to see me get married or to see who has the biggest testicles?”

“ _Irina_.”

“Well what else do you call it when two Admirals poke and prod at each other until they are wrestling on the ground like a pair of drunken twenty year old marines?” Irina reached into her bag and pulled out a small box that she handed to Holt. “Thank you for being here, try not to damage my husband-to-be, I’m going to get dressed.”

Hackett left Holt in the living room to follow Irina into the bedroom. “Drunken marines?”

She raised a delicate eyebrow at him. “He misses his daughter, and he couldn’t protect her. I’m the only person in his life that he can…he’s thinking about the daughter he couldn’t walk down the aisle. Be a little kind.”

“I think under the circumstances, I’ve been more than kind.” Hackett grabbed her by the hips to tug her back against him. “Will you be ‘a little kind’ to me in return?”

“Are you hoping for another private dance?” Irina laughed.

“Always.”

* * *

 

_From: Brodie_

_To: Irina_

_Subj: re: Admirals._

_And you didn’t vid that shit?_

_What is wrong with you? Have I taught you nothing in all our many years of friendship? You vid the shit so you can keep the bastards in line._

_Fine, fine._

_Koa wants to be there for your wedding, even if it’s just a small thing in Councilor Anderson’s apartment. I’ve never seen the big guy so…he doesn’t smile. Which isn’t normal at all. I don’t know if we’ll be there in time, but we’ll try._

_Brodie_


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

The wedding day had not gone according to Hackett’s plans. If it had, he would be sitting by a pool with his _wife_. Instead, he sat next to Holt in the waiting room at Huerta Memorial. Neither of them were very pleased with the two marines sitting across from them. Brodie and Koa had been with when she fell down a flight of stairs on the way to get married.

Brodie had readily admitted he’d been teasing Irina about her dress. She had turned towards him and caught the heel of her shoe on the hem of the dress. Koa couldn’t catch her in time. Her head slammed into the corner of the wall on the way down. She’d been unconscious when they carried her to the hospital.

“I suggest we court-martial both of them. Then bring back the concept of keel-hauling.” Holt spoke casually though he glared angrily at the young men.

“Agreed,” Hackett said distractedly. His gaze went to the door that led into the hospital ward.

It was a long for hours before the salarian doctor in charge of Irina’s case joined them with Doctor Michel at his side. They informed the four men that Commander Shepard had suffered severe head trauma that triggered a seizure which in turn caused her to experience amnesia. They believed it to be temporary, but wanted to keep her for a few weeks for observation.

“Amnesia?” Hackett didn’t like the sound of that, especially when the doctor explained Irina knew who she was. She had just lost a few years’ worth of time. “Can I see her?”

The idea that Irina might have lost her memory was terrifying. _What if she didn’t remember they were engaged?_ Or worse, what if she forgot they’d become friends…and then more than friends? Hackett wasn’t sure he could handle a world in which Irina still thought she hated him.

Doctor Michel directed him to one of the recovery rooms. He went through two sets of doors and finally found Irina on her back staring out the window across the Presidium. Her eyes hardened when she looked over and spotted him.

“ _Admiral_.”

“Irina?” Hackett felt a shiver go down his spine. “What year is it?”

“2172.” Irina pursed her lips. He could see doubt in her eyes. “The doctor told me it was 2186. But it can’t be. I…why are you here? I thought I made it clear I didn’t want to see you again. You’re always bugging me.”

“This isn’t boot-camp, Irina.” Hackett took a step closer.

“Hmm,” she shrugged.

He noticed her engagement ring sitting on a nearby table. “Did the doctor take your ring off?”

“No…I…who am I engaged to?” Her eyes widened when he gestured to himself. “You? You? This is a prank right? You’re messing with my head. Why the hell would I agree to marry you? I can’t stand to be…”

Hackett held his hand up to stop her. “You aren’t nineteen anymore, Irina. You changed, _we_ changed.”

“I can barely stand to be in the same room with you.” Irina sat up slowly with the crisp, white hospital sheet pulled practically up to her chin. “Why did I say yes?”

“You love me.” Hackett regretted the words when she visibly flinched. “I should leave you to rest.”

Irina eased back against the pillow. “Admiral?”

He paused by the door to glance back hopefully at her. “Yes?”

“Don’t come back.”

Continuing out of the room, Hackett strode past the three Alliance officers and the two doctors straight into the elevator and slammed his fist into the button for the embassy floor. He needed to coordinate with Anderson. He had no idea how long it would take for Irina to recover.

_God damn it all to hell._

He punched the elevator wall for a second time. With a heavy sigh, he straightened up and shook out his hand a few times. It was a calm and collected Admiral that stepped out into the embassy without a hair out of place.   He decided to focus on talking Anderson into heading to Vancouver to speak to the defense committee.

_Irina certainly couldn’t give testimony about the Reapers if her most recent memory was boot camp._

_Damn it._

With Anderson handing the councilor position over to Udina, Hackett made his own plans to head to Arcturus. He had multiple fleets to coordinate. They had no idea how quickly the invasion would start. He wanted to have at least some sort of resistance ready.

He met with Anderson and Holt in a private office. They decided Holt should take command of the _Normandy_ which would head to Earth for retro-fitting. He could use it as a mobile command center. Anderson would join him on the ship as well.

* * *

 

_From: Admiral Steven Hackett_

_To: Koa Kalena; Brodie Hawkins_

_Subj: Orders._

_Gentlemen,_

_Since you were at least partially responsible for Commander Shepard’s current situation, Admiral Holt and I have decided you will be responsible for her safety._

_She will remain on the Citadel until her memory returns._

_We believe the reapers will attack within the next few months. I suggest you keep a close eye on Irina. Cerberus will be gunning for her. She has enemies. And even if the council wishes to ignore it, we all know the reapers won’t stop with humanity._

_Keep her safe._

_That’s an order._

_Hackett_

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: This is Stupid and I don’t want to do it._

_The doctor thinks it would be good for me to talk to you in the hopes of jogging my memory. I’d like to go on the record as suggesting that is a terrible idea. And I have no idea what my future…well current…well…what the hell was I thinking agreeing to marry you?_

_I don’t understand.  It’s very confusing._

_Koa is sad, which is…disturbing. He won’t talk about why. Brodie says his wife and daughter died. When did he get married?_

_It makes my head hurt thinking about everything I’ve forgotten. I look in the mirror and I know I’ve definitely aged past nineteen. I’ve got commander stripes on my uniform. And my voice is back to normal, when did that happen?_

_I’m afraid to search the extra-net.  What if I don’t like what I find?_

_There I messaged you. Tell the doctor to leave me alone._

_Irina_

* * *

 

Irina stood up to head away from the terminal. A month after the _accident_ , the doctors had decided she might recover better outside of a hospital environment. _No shit._ Admiral Anderson suggested she use his apartment. It was big enough for her and her two _bodyguards_. She didn’t remember the Admiral, but Koa told her she’d served on a ship with him.

She had found recordings from the Admiral in his apartment, one with her name on it. She wasn’t certain what to make of the things he said about her. She didn’t remember the person he’d described. It didn’t seem like her at all. It felt like a hazy dream she couldn’t quite understand.

_When the hell had she become an Alliance hero?_

_And who the hell decided she could be relied on like that?_

The bigger question to Irina, aside from the Hackett thing, was when had she stopped _hating_ the Alliance? Holt had been by to see her a few times. It didn’t help her remember anything, but she felt better for seeing him. He kept her in the loop with the war preparations, though she shrugged most of it off.

It was difficult to care about a war with enemies Irina didn’t recall fighting in the first place. She had attempted to reach out to Phillip but he didn’t respond to her. She wondered if at some point during the past years they’d fallen out.

“The reapers invaded Earth.” Koa’s stunned voice echoed in the apartment.

Irina turned away from the piano to find him staring down at his omni-tool. “Your family?”

“Safe, for now. My brothers took my parents to one of the Alliance bunkers.” He walked away still trying to reach his brothers.

Koa hadn’t told her anything about how his wife and child died. She’d asked where the rest of their recruit class was; he just shook his head and refused to respond. She headed back to the terminal. It was time to find some courage and find out what the hell had happened over the course of time she’d forgotten.

* * *

 

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: I died._

_No one told me that I died. I actually died, like died, as in dead, died._

_How do you leave that out?_

_I did research on the extra-net. You were championing me to the Alliance, even while I was with Cerberus._

_This is so confusing._

_Irina_

* * *

 

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Extra-net Research._

_Maybe you should go easy on the research? A little bit at a time might be better than all at once._

_We left it out because we thought it might be a little shocking for you to discover you’d been gone for two years._

_I know this is very confusing for you and I wish I could make it less confusing. Perhaps we could work under the assumption for now, that we’re friends? You can ask me any question you like. We can talk about the Alliance, the war, but maybe leave aside questions about our past for now?_

_Just something to consider._

_Earth was hit badly by the reapers. I’ve got several of the fleets gathering in a relatively secure system for now. Holt safely made it off of Earth as well. He’s on his way to the Citadel. I’m sure he’ll stop by to see you._

_Keep close to Koa and Brodie._

_Steven_

* * *

 

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: Friends._

_Us?_

_It’s hard enough accepting the fact we were engaged._

_You want me to…be friends with you._

_My last memories of you aren’t good ones. I’m so mixed up. I think about you and there’s all the anger that I remember about feeling forced into bootcamp, but there’s other stuff underneath I can’t figure out._

_I don’t know how to be friends with you, or if I want to be friends. And you can’t lie to me and say you don’t want something more. The engagement ring is evidence you did._

_I realize theoretically we’ve moved beyond how I felt at nineteen. But I still feel like I’m nineteen, I still feel like I want to cause you pain, and maybe it’s cruel but I know you’re hurting right now._

_And I’m not sorry about it._

_Irina_

* * *

 

It was like taking a bullet to the chest whenever Irina messaged him. Hackett had enough on his mind, but it was difficult to ignore the fact that his fiancée not only didn’t remember they were engaged. She’d regressed to a time when she practically despised him.

The trouble was that years back when she was nineteen, Hackett had been prepared for her attitude and sharp words. Time had passed, they had fallen in love and the armor he had years ago had been stripped from him. Her words cut through him better than any weapon the reaper possessed.

Sitting in his quarters with his head in his hands, Hackett tried to decide what to do next. He needed to keep responding to her messages in the hopes that her memory would return. She’d learned to love him once, she could do it again even with amnesia.

_He hoped._

Holt had already picked up the new Turian Primarch along with the other politicians and was now heading to Sur’Kesh. Anderson was rallying the forces on Earth. The 103rd marine division was chasing down the Cat-6 mercs who had been spotted on the Citadel with a former Cerberus operative.

* * *

 

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Irina Shepard_

_Subj: re: Friends._

_Yes, friends._

_I won’t lie about the fact that I love you, and I won’t deny you have a capacity to cause me pain more than anyone else does._

_I leave it up to you to decide what to do with that knowledge._

_Doctor Michel suggested pictures and vids might help you regain your memories. I am attaching a few from the first time we went to New York City together several years ago. I’m also including some updated information on the war, so you can keep up to date._

_Steven_


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

_From: Steven Hackett_

_To: Greg Holt_

_Subj: re: Irina._

_The 103 rd Division managed to capture or kill all of the members of the Cat-6 merc group. They also caught the two bank-rolling them. It turns out they were former Cerberus operatives, one a clone of Irina. The clone committed suicide on the way to the detention center; the other operative was shot attempting to escape._

_Good luck on Tuchanka. I’m glad Wrex is cooperating for now. We can use the Krogans in this war._

_And thank you, I was aware that Irina and Brodie had gone out to dinner._

_Thank you for rubbing it in. I know you disliked my relationship with her, but you could you for one moment pretend you understand the level of agony this is for me?_

_I have a crucible to build and a planet to save. Keep your petty issues with me to the side until the reapers are dead or we are._

_Hackett_

* * *

 

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_Subj: I am so confused._

_I am so damn confused._

_My last memories are hating you and kissing Brodie, a lot in boot camp._

_And I understand we have bigger problems to deal with, like helping the refugees here. But…Brodie took me out for dinner. It was weird. I don’t remember it being weird with Brodie. And I feel guilty._

_Why do I feel guilty?_

_I keep having this dream about dancing in a studio, but I don’t remember ever being in this particular dance studio. And you’re the only one watching me, and…I felt happy and free._

_What is that?_

_And I have these flashes of memories of things like a giant spider and the Normandy exploding and a weird bug looking ship. The only happy moments that I get brief images of involve you._

_I’m sorry I don’t remember more, and I’m sorry that I was cruel to you a few days ago. It wasn’t right, even I dislike you. I don’t want to be the kind of person who takes advantage of someone’s pain._

_Irina_

* * *

 

Irina had come back from dinner with Brodie to find an angry Koa waiting for them. He’d ripped into Brodie first and then Irina. She would’ve been upset with him, but he had made several really great points. The most important was that no matter her feelings towards Hackett at the moment, no one deserved what she’d said to him a few days ago.

She channeled her energy into helping the refugees in the docking bays that had been converted into housing areas. She was there when Cerberus attacked the station. She helped Brodie get as many of the refugees to safer locations away from the forces in armor that seemed familiar to her.

They fought off the strange soldiers for what felt like six hours until they finally started to retreat. Irina wanted to go after them, but Koa insisted they head back to Anderson’s apartment. His orders were to keep her safe. C-sec could handle the rest of the Cerberus forces.

Some of the crew from the _Normandy_ came to visit her after the coup attempt had been completely stopped. Holt was with them. She tried to remember them. It just wouldn’t come to her. She knew they looked familiar, but…not why.

“It’ll come back to you.” Holt joined her by the large windows that made the entire left wall of the apartment. “Your memories will return eventually.”

Irina shrugged.

“How do you feel aside from confused?” He rested a hand lightly on her shoulder. “Is Hackett pressuring you?”

“Why are you so…” Irina pushed his hand away. “I don’t understand why you have such animosity toward him. But I don’t think I appreciate being used by you to get to Hackett. He hasn’t pressured me. He has been incredibly patient and kind which is amazing considering some of the things I’ve said.”

“Irina.”

“Leave me alone.” She went over to sit at the bar near the giant vid-screen with Koa, Steve Cortez, James Vega and the _Normandy_ pilot, Joker. “Is there any wine back there?”

Steve poured a glass for her. “It’s a nice vintage.”

Irina was taking a sip when she suddenly had a memory of shaking wine in Hackett’s face. She massaged her forehead a little and pretended to listen to the conversation around her. She took her wine and headed upstairs to find a quiet space.

Setting her glass on a shelf, Irina kicked her shoes off. She flexed her feet a few times then danced her way around the room. The movement helped clear her head. She twirled around the room until her shirt was wet with sweat.

“Holt left.” Koa stepped into the room as she was using a towel to wipe her brow.

“Fine.”

“Irina?” Koa hesitated for a second then pressed on. “Look, I know it’s confusing, little sis, but Hackett’s a good man. You’ll remember eventually, and I’m just trying to keep you from doing something you’ll regret.”

“Yeah.”

“Brodie’s going to join the _Normandy_ for their next mission to Rannoch. Lieutenant Vega will be staying here for a little bit.” Koa leaned against the wall. “You were in love. It was all over your face. Hackett made you sing again, made you want to dance.”

“All I remember is hating him.”

“You were nineteen, of course you hated him.” Koa grinned at her. “Let me make you some fried rice. I’ll tell you about the time Brodie cheated on you.”

“He did what?”

* * *

 

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Citadel_

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_IS: Did I ever throw wine at you?_

_SH: Wine? No._

_IS: I had this flash of memory this evening about shaking wine at you._

_SH: Ahh. After Elysium, you were celebrating with your friends and I happened in at an inopportune moment._

_IS: Admiral?_

_SH: Ask._

_IS: Were we happy?_

_SH: Incredibly._

_IS: Did I make you work for it?_

_SH: Yes, and I enjoyed every minute of it._

_IS: What if I never remember?_

_SH: Then I’ll have to find another way to show you why you fell in love with me._

_IS: Did I ever dance for you?_

_SH: Many times. You move beautifully. They’re some of my most cherished memories._

_IS: Why did I stop hating you?_

_SH: I think you finally realized I didn’t pull the triggers that killed your parents. I couldn’t have stopped the attacks on Mindoir. Your anger was misplaced; I understood that then and now._

_IS: You pushed me into the Alliance._

_SH: I did, and I’d do it again. You needed something to fight for, to live for. I didn’t want you to lose hope in everything._

_IS: I’m trying to understand all of this._

_SH: I know, take your time._

_IS: I don’t know how much time we have left. I’ve been reading up on the Reapers._

_SH: You gave us a chance to stop them. We’ll do the best we can._

_IS: Brodie’s on the Normandy._

_SH: I heard._

_IS: We just had dinner, nothing more. I think he wanted to. Not sure why. Brodie always thinks with the wrong head._

_SH: Irina._

_IS: Sorry._

_SH: No, it’s not that. I want you to know I’d never attempt to coerce you back into a relationship with me. If you never remember, you’re free to choose someone else. Even if you did remember, you’d have that freedom. I love you enough to want you happy._

_IS: I have to go._

_User has disconnected._


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a two chapter day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

Days blurred for Irina as her time was spent in the refugee camps. No one there _needed_ her to remember anything. They wanted food, medicine, and shelter. She could help with those things. It was something within her ability to control.

_Her memory wasn’t._

Messages from Holt and Hackett kept her updated on their progress, not that it meant much to her. She didn’t really remember or understand the sort of enemy the reapers were. She couldn’t deny their terrifying power, particularly not when two days later they moved the entire Citadel to Sol.

Irina hunkered down with Koa in the apartment. They had tried to get out but the elevators were destroyed. It was either barricade themselves where they were or try to scale out of one of the windows. They broke one then realized without mag boots or rope, they’d risk death.

It was a few hours before the first husks attacked them. Irina sighted one through her rifle when it seemed to look right at her. She shot it then frowned as a memory from Eden Prime hit her.

_Then a second._

_Then one from Noveria._

_And another._

_And another._

Her memory returned like a slow drip of water that suddenly turned into a raging torrent. Irina grabbed a nearby wall to keep herself on her feet. Koa secured then area then rushed to her side. He used his foot to push the husk away from her. He shook her gently asking if she was all right.

Irina turned tear filled eyes towards her. “I’m so sorry about Tamara and your beautiful little girl. So sorry.”

“Wait…” Koa frowned down at her. “You remember?”

“Yes.” She turned towards the front door. “We need to find a way to block that up a little. Oh god…Steven.”

Koa reached into his pocket and held out her engagement ring. “He asked me to hold on to this for you.”

Irina took it in her hand after pulling off her gauntlet. She slid it back onto her finger. “Give me a few minutes.”

* * *

 

_Inter-Relay Text Chat_

_Location: Sol_

_From: Irina Shepard_

_To: Steven Hackett_

_IS: Steven._

_SH: Yes?_

_IS: I love you._

_SH: Your memory returned._

_IS: Thanks to a husk attack. I never thought I’d be happy to see one of those creepy things._

_SH: I love you, Irina. You stay safe. We’re going to get the Citadel back._

_IS: I’m sorry for…being a real…for being so cruel. I can’t believe what I said to you._

_SH: It’s all right. You were in a very different state of mind when you were nineteen._

_IS: I love you. I’d really like to marry you so you keep yourself alive._

_Connection Lost. Unable to connect._

* * *

 

The next six hours were absolute hell for Hackett. He kept his attention on directing the fleets while his communication specialist tried every few minutes to reach Irina. All comms to the Citadel were no longer going through.

_Six hours of complete silence._

And then the reapers were done, falling out of the sky from a weapon none of them had known for certain would work. Holt had successfully managed to get the Crucible to fire. Hackett had lost contact with him, Anderson and the _Normandy_.

Ordering his ship back to Sol, Hackett wanted to immediately dock on the Citadel. He was desperate to find Irina. Everything else could wait until he had her alive and safe.

The station was a complete nightmare. It was worse than the geth attack several years ago. There were mutilated bodies strewn everywhere. His thoughts inevitable turned dark as he started to spot Alliance uniforms amongst the carnage. He coordinated the marines with him into multiple groups that went in several different directions.

He ran into Commander Bailey who was organizing the C-sec officers still alive. The two men exchanged weary looks then got back to work. One group of soldiers found Holt alive, Anderson had not been so fortunate, but no Irina.

_No Irina._

With his concern mounting, Hackett lead the way toward the Sunset Strip. The Strip had been as heavily damaged as everywhere else on the station. Broken glass crunched underneath their boots as they made their way toward Tiberius Towers where they found the elevators damaged beyond repair.   They used a shuttle to get up to Anderson’s apartment.

Hackett hopped out of the Kodiak into the apartment through a shattered window. “ _Irina!_ ”

It looked like Koa and Irina had made a last stand in the apartment. Husk bodies covered the floor by front door. They were stacked up to the ceiling like a damn roadblock. The first floor was quickly cleared, only dead husks.

Upstairs was the same. Hackett entered the last bedroom to find a dresser had been dragged in front of the bathroom door. His heart sank when he spotted the body of Koa Kalena sitting in front of it. His weapon still clutched in his hand.

“It’s empty.” One of the marines lifted the rifle. “He ran out of ammo.”

Hackett crouched in front of the man. “Rest well, young man; rest well with your family. You did a damn fine job.”

“We’ll take care of him, Sir.” The marine waved over another soldier who together helped to carefully carry Koa out of the room to the shuttle.

It required four of them to move the dresser out of the way. Hackett wondered how much effort Koa had required to move the thing by himself. The door itself was damaged and they had to _help_ it open. Hackett took the lead to step into the room first.

“Irina?”

She was sitting on the cold tiles in the shower with a rifle in her lap and her helmet beside her. “Koa?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Shit.” Irina covered her face with her hands. “He shoved me in here, and then all I heard was gunfire. Then the gunfire stopped, and I knew…I just knew. I could’ve fought with him. I’m as good a shot as he is. I had ammo. _Damn it, Koa._ Damn it.”

“He followed orders. He followed his orders to keep you safe.” Hackett reached his hand down to help her up. He leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “You came back to me.”

Irina brought her hand up to rest on his cheek. “Still want to marry me?”

He covered her hand with his. “I do.”

 


	31. The Epilogue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a very short epilogue. I thought Irina and Hackett should have a slightly happier chapter to end on, and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

It had taken a year for Irina to get a real grasp on her grief over everyone they’d lost in the war. Brodie spent a lot of that year with her. They’d worked together to create a program to support wounded marines. It was the closest to uniform either of them wanted to get. Holt had helped them arrange it. Irina sang for them once a week.

Hackett had married Irina a few months after the war ended. It was a quiet ceremony with only a handful of guests in one of the few untouched churches in London. Hackett still looked back on it as the most beautiful day of his life. Irina had certainly been the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.

With the rebuilding of Earth well on its way a year in, they purchased a penthouse apartment in a newly rebuilt building not far from the Thames. With the Alliance Headquarters moved from the destroyed Arcturus to London, it made sense for them to remain in the city as well. Hackett remained the highest ranking officer still alive.

His beloved wife retired not long after the war. After helping build the veteran program, Irina moved on to create her dream dance studio. She might never be on stage but she wanted to help other children with similar dreams. Hackett wondered if perhaps she thought it might bring smiles back to their faces.

_She wanted to teach._

_She wanted to work with children._

His heart hurt a little whenever he watched her with the little ballerinas. They’d both wanted one of their own only to be utterly heartbroken to find the Cerberus upgrades on her body hadn’t included _everything._ She was unable to have children. He hadn’t found the courage to broach the subject of adoption with her yet. He hoped with time…just time…might help.

“Steven?”

Hackett over from the window he’d been standing in front of to find his wife in the doorway of his office. “Hmm?”

“I volunteered at the orphanage today.” Irina took a step into the room and stopped again.

“I know.” He twisted his door around and held his hand out to her. “Irina?”

“There’s a little girl….” Irina took his hand and slid gracefully over into his arms. Her head rested against his chest. “She’s only five, lost her entire family. We could…”

“Adopt?”

“Yes.”

Hackett reached over to the pile of forms he’d hidden under a stack of datapads. He handed them to her then wrapped his arms around her once again. “I’ve been waiting for you to be ready.”

“You want to adopt?” She tilted her head back to look up at him.

“I do.” He pressed his lips to hers. “I love you. Let’s give the little one a home.”

“Thank you.”

* * *

_From: Irina Hackett  
_

_To: Grandpa Holt_

_Subj: He said yes._

_We're going to the orphanage to start the paperwork to adopt little Cally._

_She's coming home with us next week._

_I'm going to have a daughter._

_Will you come meet her? She's going to need a grandpa._

_Irina_


	32. Mini-Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Bioware Owns all Sadly.
> 
> Magical Betas: CelticGrace & MissMeggo929
> 
> Thanks for the kudos, subscriptions, comments, etc.

The apartment in London was quiet except for the soft instrumental music playing in the background. Irina had sent Steven and their six year old adopted daughter, Callie, out for the day. They’d been driving her crazy all morning.

With the apartment to herself, Irina had made short work of starting to bring out the holiday decorations. It was easier without a husband and child underfoot. She’d spent months hunting down a set of ballet themed ornaments.

Callie had taken to ballet almost as well as Irina had as a child. The two spent a lot of time at the dance studio. The little girl had done wonders for her sinking spirits after the war and for Steven’s as well.

The lush green tree stood almost as tall as the ceiling in their living room. Irina had talked Brodie into helping her get it set up. He hung around to untangle the string of pale rose coloured lights around the tree. He apparently didn’t feel hanging ballerinas from a tree to be all that _manly_ or entertaining.

She was standing on her tiptoes trying to get the crystal star on the top when warm hands gripped her hips to steady her. “Careful. My husband is a jealous man.”

“Is he now?” Hackett brushed his lips against the side of her neck. “I thought we were going to decorate together.”

“Surprise?” She gasped when he spun her around to press her against the wall beside the tree. “Where’s Callie?”

“Grandpa Holt.”

“It’s not like you to hand her off—particularly to Holt.” Irina tilted her head to get a better look at him. “You don’t seem ill.”

He nibbled on her earlobe for a moment. “Why did you want to decorate alone?”

_“Steven.”_

He caught her arms in his hands to hold her still when she tried to duck around him. “Irina? Talk to me.”

“It’s our first Christmas with Callie.” She lifted her hands to rest them on his chest. Her fingers toyed with the seam near his shoulder. “Our first real Christmas, we’ve been too busy to celebrate up until now.”

“I know.”

“Think she’ll like the tree?” Irina wound her arms around her husband’s waist and bent forward to rest her forehead against his chest. “I want her to be happy.”

“And what about you?” Hackett tilted her head up with his fingers under her chin. “Are you happy?”

“With you? Always.”

 


End file.
